


You're on my mind

by JacksTotalLackofSurprise



Category: Tegan and Sara (Band)
Genre: F/F, quincest
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:35:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 33,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26299516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JacksTotalLackofSurprise/pseuds/JacksTotalLackofSurprise
Summary: When their apartment is under construction, Tegan and her partner move into Sara's garden suite. Due to the pandemic they haven't seen each other in a while and Tegan soon realizes that something might have changed regarding her feelings for her twin...
Relationships: Sara Quin/Stacy Reader, Sara Quin/Tegan Quin
Comments: 5
Kudos: 34





	1. Don't stand so close to me

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work of fiction. 
> 
> Work in progress,new chapters will be added.  
> 

„Look! Look how big that fucking slug is. I swear it’s been eating all my plants!”

Tegan sighs. She was getting ready for bed after she and Sofia had watched a movie together when Sara had pounded on their door.

“Ugh, gross! Really Sara? That’s why you are knocking our door down at this time? ” She frowns.

“Come on, it’s only 10 pm. How old are you, sixty? Do you need your bedtime?” Sara mocks her, raising an eyebrow.

Rolling her eyes she replies: “ First of all it's already past 10, second of all it's dark and you are standing here with your garden gloves on, knocking on our door like a fucking murderer, just to show me a damn slug.”

“You should be more afraid of the bear that has been hanging around here lately than of murderers”, Sara winks “Now put on your shoes, I wanna show you more of them.”

She waves a hand in the floors direction impatiently and continues to study the slug that is sitting on her palm.

“No no no, I’m not gonna run around the garden with you at night searching for slugs! Don't bears come out when it's dark or something? You want us to get mauled?“ Tegan protests, taking a slight step back to show her reluctance.

“Ugh Tee, don’t be such a pussy. Just a quick peak. You’ll be under the covers in no time and the bear wasn't that big anyway.” This time it is Sara who rolls her eyes.

"Well you freaked out a lot when you saw it, so don't try to downplay that now!"

" Yeah Yeah and you protected us all yada yada. I took down the bird feeder, so he has no reason to come back. Happy? Are you coming now or what?"

A voice emerges from the background “Go with her Tegan, you know she won’t let you sleep until you do. I’ll be waiting in bed. Now close the damn door you two, it’s getting cold. Good night Sara!”

Sara grins victoriously, sticks her head into the room and yells back “Good night Sofia!” Tegan can't believe that she is really doing this. She was looking forward to getting comfortable in their warm bed, snuggling up to Sofia. Instead she now has to accompany her sister for a nightly walk through the garden, which might have actually been quite nice... if it wasn't with Sara and if it wasn't just to look at vermin.

“You gotta be kidding me… looking at disgusting slugs in the dark… this is nuts” she mutters as she puts on her sneakers.

Sara taps her foot on the wooden floor of the suite, restless.

“You know, this would be quicker if you had crocs too. I’ll just buy you a pair, now that you are staying by the garden so I won’t have to wait half an hour for you to put on your shoes every time.” she frowns, looking down on Tegan.

“As if I would ever wear them. You and mum can keep those ugly ass crocs for yourselves. Besides how is it half an hour?” she raises an eyebrow, “I’m not even untying them when I take them off, I’m almost as fast putting my sneakers on as you are putting your crocs on.” She jumps up and claps her hands. “See, all done. Now show me your super-slugs.”

Sara is already walking to the garden and Tegan hurries to follow her. It is much chillier than she anticipated, the cold wind is tugging on her shirt. For a moment she thinks about going back to get a hoodie when she trips over something, reaches out and grabs Sara’s arm so she won’t fall.

“Couldn’t you at least bring a flashlight?” She complains and pulls herself back up, quickly letting go of Sara. She knows that her twin doesn’t like to be touched and she now tried to respect her boundaries more than she had in the past.

“I’m gonna turn the one on my smartphone on, wait a second. Sorry, I usually don’t need one cause I know the garden.” Sara pulls her phone out of her back pocket and switches on the flash light. A light cone shines on the various plants, lighting up the path Sara has laid out. “At least you didn’t stomp on my ferns, bigfoot”.

Tegan lets out a snort as a response but before she can think of a witty comeback, Sara points hastily on a big, green plant and blurts out “There! Right on the leaf! You see that?”

Tegan fixes her gaze on the plant in the light beam and there it is. A thick, gross slug is sitting on the leaf, slowly making its way up. Tegan shudders.

“Urgh disgusting. I like snails better. At least their houses look nice. Still, I can’t get over the slime thing… I told you that plant didn't look good, remember? But nooo you said I have no clue what I'm talking about. There you have it, this is what you get for it smartass!”

Sara shakes her head, ignoring her sister's comments. “I don’t know what to do against these fuckers. I don’t want to hurt them but I can’t let them devour the plant. I’m gonna call mum tomorrow, maybe she knows what to do.”

“What if she tells you like... that you that you need to piss around your garden or something” Tegan laughs.

Sara frowns “Oh my god, gross. What the fuck Tegan.” She shakes her head again, this time in disbelief.

“Well I’m just saying! Maybe they hate the scent of urine or something. There are some weird tips on the internet when it comes to gardening…” They turn their attention back to the slug. “There’s another one!” 

The two of them lean in closer to look at the second animal and Tegan suddenly realizes how close they are standing. They are almost touching, barely inches between their shoulders and Tegan feels the heat radiating from Sara’s face next to her own. She senses the hair on her arms standing up as if the air between them became electric. Sara is focusing on the slug as Tegan is focusing on her face. Had she ever seen her eyelashes this close? She realizes how beautiful Sara looks, half in the dark, a soft breeze running through her hair. It almost seems artsy with all the nature surrounding her. She always thought that her sister was the better looking twin, with her smaller jaw and more delicate features. It had took Tegan a long time to accept her wider face and strong jawline, because naturally she always compared her look to her sister’s. But in this moment she doesn't look at Sara to seek out the differences in their faces. All she sees is beauty and all she feels is the air crackling between them with tension. Sara turns and Tegan swings her head around to face the plant again.

“Are you even listening to me?”

Tegan blushes. She is incredibly thankful that the light cone is directed away from her, so she hopes that her own face is blurred enough for Sara to not notice her embarrassment.

“Sure, so interesting. Yeah slugs… fuck ‘em.” She tries to mock Sara to distract her and to calm herself down a bit.

Sara stands up straight. “Yeah yeah, you keep mocking me all you want. You thought you could just crash in my suite for free? Nah missy, you’re gonna help me with the garden. That includes the slug problem. So you better pray that mum’s advice won’t involve pee.”

She smirks, very happy with herself. Normally Tegan hates seeing that smirk on her sister’s face, knowing she is teasing her. But right now it seems strangely attractive to her. She quickly averts her eyes.

“If mum’s advice involves pee, I’d rather pay for a fucking hotel for a few weeks than live right next to your piss garden. Can we go back now? It's kinda cold and dark, I don't find slugs as fascinating as you do and the bear is probably hiding in the bushes thinking about which part of us he wants to eat first!”

They make their way back to the suite, this time Sara leads the way with her phone. The bark mulch beneath them dampens their steps. They stop at the front door.

“See? That didn’t take too long did it? Now hurry into bed or you won’t get enough sleep, grandma” Sara emphasizes the last word sarcastically, winks and turns around to walk up to the house.

“Who’s the one with the gardening hobby and the ugly crocs?” Tegan mutters as she opens the door and steps over the ledge, ignoring a strange desire to look after her twin. 

The lights are turned off, Sofia has already gone to sleep. Slowly pulling off her shoes, Tegan tries to creep quietly across the room to the bed using the moonlight that falls through the windows as her only light source. She undresses and thanks her past-self for already brushing her teeth so she can slip under the covers right away. As she pulls off her shirt she realizes that it is sweaty, even though she had shivered from the slightly cold air when she left the suite. Sofia lets out a quiet moan as Tegan is laying down beside her. She turns and buries her face in Tegan’s shoulder, putting her arm around her. God she fell asleep so fast. But Tegan is actually thankful that she doesn't have to talk to her girlfriend. She is confused, can't grasp a clear thought in her mind. What the fuck happened back there? Why did she feel caught out when Sara caught her staring at her? And why did she suddenly feel this electricity between them? They stood close together before, hell she was her twin sister! They had shared a room, a bed at times, a tour bus, a hotel room. They had hugged, if rarely. Why did this feel so different?

“It’s because we were apart for such a long time. I missed her, that’s all. I’m allowed to miss my twin sister dammit.” She thought to herself. Due to the pandemic, they hadn’t seen much of each other in the past few month. Sure, they video chatted every other day and there had been times in their lives where they were apart a long time already… but this felt so forced. It wasn’t their own decision to be apart. They simply had to and somehow that felt wrong. Of course that didn’t mean that she wasn’t taking Covid seriously. Quite the opposite, she did and that was the reason for their isolation. But now their apartment was under construction after they had found mold on their bedroom wall and they had to move into Sara’s and Stacy’s garden suite. "I'm grateful for the excuse to spend time with my twin." That is all there is to it she decides, as she leans her head against Sofia’s and closes her eyes.


	2. Just let go

“What are you doing?” Tegan blurts out, as Sara steps into the room behind her, pulling her suitcase in with her.

“I'm staying with you. What? Oh come on, we shared a hotel room before.” Sara rolls her eyes when she sees the bewildered look on her sister's face.

“Yeah, but we have enough money now to get our own rooms. Get the fuck out!”

“Nope. About time we spend some quality time together, don’t you think? After being apart for so long.” Sara hangs her coat on the door and kicks her shoes off.

“Goddammit, fine. There is no arguing with you anyway.” Tegan sighs as she takes off her own shoes.

“I missed you so much!” In a sudden move, Sara swings her arms around Tegan and pulls her into a tight hug.

“Oookay now I know you’ve gone mad during the pandemic.” Tegan feels Sara’s hand on her neck and pulls away quickly. This was SO not like her sister! “Are you okay?” she holds Sara with her arms outstretched in front of her and eyes her twin skeptically.

“Yes of course. You always wanted us to be closer and now that I’m willing to give you that you turn me down.” Sara scoffs and turns to the bathroom. “I’m gonna take a quick shower” she smirks, closes the white door behind her and locks it before Tegan has time to react.

“What the fuck Sare! Maybe ask me if I need to use the bathroom in MY hotel room before you jump in and occupy it?”

“Don’t cry!” she can hear Sara shout over the running water as she takes of her leather jacket and hangs it over a chair in the corner.

What had gotten into Sara? Usually she tried to avoid physical contact with everyone as much as she could. Especially with Tegan. Sure, in the past Tegan had often wished it was different. In movies and TV Shows twins were always inspereable, hugging and cuddling all the time, talking about their feelings etc. But she had accepted years ago that this wasn't them and that Sara couldn't give that to her. Tegan shakes her head, putting her trunk on the bed. No need to unpack, they wouldn’t stay here too long, as they were on tour. Two days and they would be of to the next city. The Hotel room looked like almost any other. White, black and grey were the only colors present, except from a dark brown armchair that was stuffed in the corner. It looked strangely out of place in the otherwise sterile environment. Does it… flicker? No, she is just exhausted. Tegan pinches the skin between her eyes and blinks. Time for bed! She takes her tooth brush, her phone charger and a few utensils out of the trunk and places it back on the floor after she has everything she needs. At least she has enough time to change into her pajamas as long as Sara is showering. She always hated to do that in the narrow bathrooms when the two sisters had shared a hotel room in their early years of touring. Tegan takes her book out of her backpack and turns on the lamp next to her side of the bed as she slips under the blanket. Yes, blanket. Not blankets. Just one huge, heavy blanket. She sighs deeply. The thought of having to share a blanket between the two of them annoys her.

"Hopefully it will not turn into a fist fight" she thinks to herself. Why can't Sara just go to her own fucking room? Slightly frustrated she opens her book on the marked page. It is another Stephen King. Sara will mock her endlessly for it and Tegan already dreads that conversation. Her sister is always so arrogant about her own taste in books, always reading some unknown, artsy author and making fun everyone who reads “mainstream” literature. But Tegan had decided that she couldn’t care less and she wouldn’t sacrifice her reading experience by taking some other random book on tour, just so Sara would not pick on her. 

When the water finally stops running, Tegan is so absorbed in her reading she hasn't noticed the time passing. She hears Sara coming out of the shower, tripling over the carpet but she doesn't look up.

“What are you reading” Sara asks while she lifts the blanket to lay down next to Tegan.

“Stephen King. I know, I know, don’t even start” Tegan replies as she feels her sister sliding under the covers next to her.

“I didn’t even say anything!” Sara pouts.

As Tegan turns her head to reply, she notices that her twin scooted closer to her, her hand on Tegan’s shoulder.

“Is the bed not big enough for the two of us? I left the left side completely open for you…”

“But I’m cold Tee!”

Suddenly Tegan feels something soft on her arm. Something very soft and warm.

“What the fuck Sara, are you naked?? Of course you are cold! What are you doing?”

She tries to pull away but Sara swings her arm over her body now and pushes her back onto the bed gently but decisive.

“I forgot my pajamas… can you warm me up? Please Tee…” Sara nuzzles her face into the warm space between Tegan’s neck and her head.

Something pulls in Tegan’s lower body as she can feel her sister’s warm breast pushing against her arm.

“Fuck no! Are you mad? Let me get up, I’m getting another hotel room!” She tries to pull away again, this time stronger.

“No, you are not!”

To Tegan’s surprise, Sara swings herself on top of her into a seating position and fixates her arms over her head.

“What the…” Tegan tries to protest in shock but Sara interrupts her angrily.

“For years and years I listened to you whine that I wouldn’t give you enough physical affection! That I wouldn’t hug you or touch you.” Sara’s bare breasts are hovering right above Tegan’s face and she tries hard to concentrate on her sister’s face, her own face turning a deep red. “And now that I’m trying to get closer to you, to fulfil your needs, you push me away? You reject me?” Tegan can see Sara’s eyes filling with tears of anger.

“Fuck you Tegan! I missed you so much during the pandemic…”

With absolute bewilderment Tegan stares at her sister. What is going on here? This is the strangest moment of her life and she has absolutely no idea how to handle the situation. It doesn't make it easier that she has to try and ignore her twin’s naked body on top of her own and the growing tension in her groin that is turning painful.

“Okay, okay relax. I don’t want to reject you, but you are NAKED Sare. You are literally sitting on top of me, naked! What the fuck am I supposed to do?”

She expects Sara to jump off of her, realizing what she has done. But her sister doesn’t move. A confused look shows on her face.

“Isn’t this what you always wanted? What you always needed me to do?”

The hands that were holding her arms in place move and Tegan feels one hand running down her cheek to her neck and then down to her chest.

“Stop it!” she blurts out and tries to pull her arms down to stop Sara from touching her. But she is strangely weak and Sara on the other hand is surprisingly strong. What is going on? Tegan was always the stronger one and Sara didn’t look as though she had been training hard enough to change that. She holds her arms locked above her head with only one hand while the other runs slowly over Tegan’s pajama. The lights flicker. Is this some sort of weird way to show her that them touching each other in any way is inappropriate?

“Okay, you proved your point. Now get the fuck off me and leave me alone! I’m never gonna complain again I swear!”

But Sara still doesn't let go. Instead she lifts Tegan’s shirt up slightly and puts her hand under it. Tegan can feel her touch on her stomach, soft and warm. Sara slides her hand up to Tegan’s chest and caresses her breast.

“What the fuck are you doing? Stop. I mean it. Stop it now” Tegan tries again, hearing her voice own getting weaker.

No. This isn’t happening. She never wanted this. Never. All she wanted was a little affection, a little attention from her twin. Not this. But now it gets harder and harder to ignore the lust her sister obviously awakes in her. She feels herself getting wet and her groin is aching as her sister keeps fondling her breast.

“It’s okay Tegan, just relax. Today is the day you always dreamt of. I have to admit I’ve been wanting this for a long time too… that’s why I always kept my distance Tee. I couldn’t get to close to you or I knew I couldn’t hold myself back. But now we can let go. We can finally give in to our desires.”

Sara leans down and Tegan feels her lips softly brushing on her ear.

“I want you Tegan. I wanted you for so long now. I want to feel you, I want to touch you. I want to be inside of you. Just let go…”

As Sara whispers into her ear, her breath tingling on her skin, Tegan lets out a soft moan and her hips jolt up against her sister. 

It is over. She can’t fight the pain in her groin anymore, the pulling inside her. Her body wants to be touched, to be pleased and her mind is lost. Tegan forgets everything around her, puts her hand on Sara’s neck and pulls her down. Sara had let go of her arms as she heard the soft moan and felt her sister rise below her. She knew she had won. Their lips meet in a passionate, forceful kiss that they both waited so long for. Tongues meet and let go of each other again as Tegan explores Sara’s mouth, soaking in the taste of mint that the toothpaste has left behind.

“Touch me!”

Tegan moans as their lips part only for a split second and Sara grabs Tegan’s breast and squeezes it. Her sister’s nipples are already hard and she twists them between her fingers. Putting her full weight on the body below her, Sara parts Tegan’s legs and places her own leg in between them. She pulls it up and pushes her thigh against her sister, moving her lower body up and down to rub against her twin.

“Oh shit…” Tegan lets out a cry as she scratches her nails down Sara’s back. She knows Sara can feel the moisture between her legs. As if Sara could read her twin’s mind, she pulls her hand out from under the shirt and runs it over Tegan’s pants, grabbing her thigh.

“Take it off” Tegan whimpers under her and Sara seems all too willing to comply. But instead of her pants coming off, Tegan feels a pull on her shirt and she lifts her upper body so that Sara can take her shirt off.

“I want to feel all of you first” her sister whispers in her ear as she kisses her neck. Placing passionate kisses on her neck and collar bone, Sara makes her way down to her sister’s chest and bites down on the skin. She takes a nipple in her mouth, circling it with her tongue and sucking on it. Tegan can't hold out any longer.

“Sara please… I waited so long for this!”

Why is she saying that? She didn’t even know she wanted this until now! But the thought doesn't have time to manifest itself in her mind as Sara finally pulls down her pants. A look full of desire fills Sara’s eyes as she stares down at her sister’s naked body. She lowers her head between her legs and starts kissing her thighs. Slowly she makes her way down, biting occasionally into the soft skin. Tegan feels like she is about to explode, as if Sara lit up fireworks inside of her and the fuse is burning down. She can’t remember a time when she wanted something more. When she needed something more. Her sister’s head between her legs is all she cares about right now, all that fills her mind. When Sara kisses her lips for the first time, opening them apart with her slightly rough, warm tongue, Tegan feels as if she is going to faint. She has never felt such strong lust, such strong desire. Her back arches as a cry of pleasure leaves her mouth. Sara finds her clit with no effort, circling it slowly and moaning deep in the process. The feeling of her sister’s hot breath on her clit drives Tegan wild. Sara runs her hand down Tegan’s body until it meets with her own mouth. She rubs her fingers over her clit as she hears Tegan’s breath getting faster.

“I want to feel you inside Sare. Put your finger inside me please… please…” Tegan whimpers, eyes closed, trying to hold back the orgasm she can already feel coming. Sara places her middle finger on her opening, circling it.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes! Don’t tease me... I need to feel you…” Tegan feels her sister’s finger slowly pushing into her until it is all the way inside and a hot, aching feeling spreads in her groin. “More…” she pleads and a second finger joins the first. Her twin starts fucking her, her finger’s pushing into her faster and harder as her tongue rubs over her clit. This is it, she can't hold it back any longer.

“Oh my god! I’m coming, I’m coming Sara! Don’t stop!” Sara fingers her as hard and fast as she can, the lights start to flicker again... and suddenly Tegan is sitting upright in her bed, panting and shivering.


	3. Leave it behind

Sweat is slowly running down her temples and she feels the bed sheet clinging onto her, soaking wet. Sofia turns around, sleepy eyed and reaches out to her.

“What’s wrong honey? Bad dream?”

Tegan can feel the wetness between her legs and starts to panic inside. She can’t let her girlfriend notice. She doesn’t even want to try and come up with an excuse and what if Sofia wants to “help her”? No, she has to get away from her.

“Yeah, no… I don’t know. Go back to sleep. I need to go to the bathroom.”

“Are you sure? Do you need something?” Sophia watches her, a concerned look on her face.

“Yeah, absolutely… I’m alright. I just really need to pee”.

She tries to laugh but she knows that she sounds nervous. Thankfully Sofia seems too tired to notice and lays back down. Quickly Tegan throws the covers to the side, gets up and puts on whatever clothes she can find in the hurry. She needs some space, some time alone to clear her head, to get what took place in her dream out of her mind. She slips in her sneakers, stumbling into the garden.

“What the fucking fuck was that? What the shit is going on in my mind?? Why would I dream something like that?” she thinks to herself as she paces around the garden, unconsciously trying to avoid stepping on anything. All of this was so fucked up. She had had wet dreams about all sorts of people, she knows that it doesn't mean anything. But this is her sister! Her twin! To top it all off, she can still feel herself being wet and her lower body aches in a cry for relief. She is itching to grant her body what it wishes for but her legs won’t move. She can’t. She can’t make herself come after a sex dream about her sister! Or can she? She knows that she will never be able to go back to sleep like this. And nobody would know… but herself. Before she can change her mind she makes her way through the garden to the house. The thought of her doing this in the small suite right next to her girlfriend shudders her, so she walks up the steps and opens the sliding door. It is still dark and Tegan doesn't dare to turn on the lights. Mickey lets out a soft and quiet meow, surprised by the nightly visitor. He stretches and walks over to her to see to what is going on. Tegan scratches him briefly behind the ears, puts a finger to her lips and looks at him sternly. “Don’t wake daddy!” She whispers. To make sure she didn’t startle anyone, Tegan looks around the room and listens for a door opening or footsteps approaching. Everything is quiet. Mickey seems satisfied to see that nothing strange is happening and returns to his place on the couch, rolling himself into a ball. Slowly getting back up Tegan sneaks over the living room floor to the bathroom and locks the door behind her. 

“Now where the fuck do I do this?” she thinks to herself as she turns on the lights. She didn't fuck herself hiding in a bathroom for years! After all she owns an apartment and a bed and doesn't have to hide anything from anyone. She looks around the room, surveying the choices she has. The floor? The toilet? Standing up? At least everything is sparkling clean thanks to Sara’s extensive cleaning mania. The furniture and floor gleam up to her, the white color reflecting the light of the lamp on the ceiling. She decides on the bathtub and climbs into it, trying not to make a noise. At least she has enough space to stretch out a bit and relax her muscles. As she reaches down with her hand she is pleased that she put on a pair of sweatpants in the hurry. Jeans would have been too tight for what she was about to do and the thought of lying naked in her sister’s bathtub and fingering herself disgusts her. Or does it? A wave of lust washes over her again and she is getting frustrated. She has to relieve herself so these incestuous thoughts will leave her mind! Putting her hands down her pants she leanes back against the cold of the tub and closes her eyes. God, she is still so wet. Her fingers find her clit and she begins to massage it gently. The picture of Sara’s bare breasts hovering over her face comes back to her and sends another wave down her spine. Tegan’s eyes shoot open again.

“Fuck no!” she curses under her breath. “Think of anything else. Literally anything!”

She tries to think of something that never failes to turn her on and decides on one of the first times she and Sofia had sex. They were on the way home after date night and Sofia was driving. Suddenly she had stopped on the side of the road. It had been deserted since it was late at night on a work day and most people were already fast asleep. Without much of an explanation she had jumped Tegan, tugging her to the backseat and pushing her down on it. She had no idea how they made it work in the narrow space of the backseat of a car, but make it work they did. She relaxes, thinking of Sofia on top of her, their fast breath fogging up the windows. Tegan already feels her body coming close to climax when Sara’s head between her legs and the feeling of her fingers inside of her come to her mind. No, she is so close… she can feel the orgasm building up inside of her and tries to brush away the image in her head, to think of anything other than that.

But as she feels her sister’s fingers fucking her, she hears Sara’s voice in her head and feels her breath on her ear “Just let go…” And with a muffled cry Tegan comes hard, shaking and twitching, her elbows hitting the side of the bathtub as she tries to quiet her cries of pleasure with her free arm. She bites down hard on her forearm that she put over her mouth to dampen any sounds and tastes blood as the last waves of pleasure wash over her body. Then it is over.

“Fuck!” Tegan mutters as she straightens herself into a seating position, examining her arm. A deep bite-mark grazes her skin and a trickle of blood is showing where she had pierced the skin with her teeth. Her body is still tingling with pleasure and relief and her knees buckle under her as she climbs out of the tub. Leaning over, she puts her hands on her knees and takes a few deep breath. That’s when she realizes that her damp fingers on her right hand are staining her pants, leaving a wet spot behind.

“Damn!” Tegan exclaims and turns on the water on the sink to wash her hands. As she reaches for the bar of soap, a disturbing thought crosses her mind: Would Sara smell the same as her? Would she taste the same? This had to stop. She clogs the sink with the plug, turns the handle on the tap all the way to the blue side and lets the sink fill up. What works in the movies will surely work for her too. Taking a deep breath she plunges her face right into the ice cold water until it reaches her ears. The cold spreads through her whole body immediately, her skin tenses and gets goosebumps. She tries to hold her breath in for as long as she can but soon enough she pulls her face out, coughing and breathing heavily as she reaches for a towel. “Fuuuck this was much colder than I expected” she can't keep herself from exclaiming. The face that stares back at her from the mirror is wet, red and wide eyed. Wet hair is clinging to her forehead and a wild gaze stares back at her. She has not seen herself this riled up for a long time. She clutches the towel in her hands, dries her face and looks back up. Better.

“Okay. This is it.” She decides that she will leave her dream and all the incestuous thoughts regarding her twin sister in this room. Just stripping them off like a cloak, leaving them lying on the cold bathroom floor where they can rot away. Tegan nods to herself and turns the lock, switching off the lights as she opens the door.


	4. I can’t stand being around you

Warm sunlight grazes her face as Tegan wakes up, instinctively reaching her hand out to her right side. Nothing but fabric meets her touch and she opens her eyes. The covers on Sofia’s side are thrown back and the bedsheet is already cold. What time is it? Tegan pulls her phone out from under her pillow and unlocks it. 11 am.

“Shit, I slept in.” She closes her eyes again for a few minutes, then stretches her arms above her head and takes a deep breath. Despite the fair amount of sleep she got, she somehow feels exhausted and depleted. Like someone else had controlled her body while she slept and ran a marathon with it. For a moment she contemplates staying in bed, burying herself under the covers, but it was no use. Someone would come check on her at some point anyway. Time to get up and face the endless mockery she will be subjected to for getting up so late. Swinging her legs over the side of the bed, she notices the pair of sweatpants on the floor and the memory of the night before comes back to her. 

“No! I left that behind. It’s gone, it’s done. The End.” She tells herself as she puts on a pair of blue jeans, a top and a grey sweater. No need to dress all fancy right away, she will have to use the guest bathroom in the house to get cleaned up anyway. The suite contains a small bathroom with only a toilet and a sink, so it is not exactly what you would call comfortable and Tegan much prefers at least a little space when she gets ready in the morning. Ruffling through her hair she puts on some shoes and leaves the suite.

The sweater was the right choice. Despite the sun the air is fresh and chilly and a soft breeze strokes her face. Tegan is actually looking forward to the fall. It was a hot summer and she misses wearing the soft, cozy sweaters that she loves so much. For a moment she soakes in the sunlight through her skin and lets the wind run through her hair, before she makes her way to the house. As she walks up the stairs and looks through the glass door, she can already see her family sitting at the table in the living room. It seems that Sara, Stacy and Sofia have already finished eating breakfast. Tegan sees her mother Sonia sitting next to them, Sara must have invited her over. Her body is tensing up in an automative motion. Suddenly she fels like a teenager again, the last one to wake up and come down to the breakfast table. She doesn't want the attention right now, after all that happened the night before she would have liked to just quickly grab a toast and avoid everyone. Straightening herself she slides the door open and walks into the room.

“Ah look at this. She’s alive!” Sara grins, her brown hair hanging down to her shoulders, wet from a shower she had obviously taken earlier this morning.

Tegan looks up, but as her eyes find Sara’s she turns her attention to her shoes, taking them off.

“Haha. So original.” She lets herself sink into the chair next to her mother, opposite of Sara.

“Good morning everybody, Hi mum. Didn’t know you were coming, sorry. Did you already have breakfast?”

Used plates, now empty sit in front of everyone. Bread and various toppings are spread out across the table and a coffee can is standing in the middle. Tegan looks around the table and notices everyone looking at her awkwardly. Sara raises an eyebrow. The sound of someone clearing their throat emerges from the other end of the table and Tegan shoots up from her chair.

“Oh crap, Sofia I’m sorry. Good morning. Ugh I'm not really awake yet, sorry Baby!”

She hurries around the table, hugs her partner and kisses her on the forehead. Sofia laughs and hugs her back, more amused than angry about the fact that her girlfriend didn't acknowledge her presence. Out of the corner of her eye Tegan can see Sara rolling her eyes almost to the back of her head at the word "Baby". Sometimes she wonders if she is anything other than an annoyance to her sister. No this isn't fair. She reminds herself that Sara has made her love for her clear on more than one occasion, even if she can't show her feelings as open as other people can. She just hates couples using nicknames for one another and Tegan can't blame her. Some couples indeed take it too far. Tegan frees herself from Sofia's embrace, gently seperating her body from her's. “I think I need some water… I’m gonna freshen up and then I’ll join you.” Tegan excuses herself and goes over to the guest bathroom, rubbing a hand over her neck to calm herself down. 

The unwelcome memory of her fucking herself in the bathtub returns to her, as she opens the door and her lower body seems to wake up. Trying to avoid looking at the tub, she takes her toothbrush out of the mug, puts paste on it and brushes her teeth. Thankfully Sara moved all of hers and Stacy's stuff to the main bathroom upstairs, so that Tegan and Sofia have the guest room all to themselves. At least there would be no fighting over who was allowed to occupy the bathroom first or who took to long too shower or anything like that. She washes her face and tries to straighten her hair with her fingers, but it is no use. Her Hair will do whatever it wants until she either brushes it or takes a shower. When she is done she places the palms of her hands on the sink to support herself and looks at her face in the mirror, sternly. This is just a normal day. A normal family breakfast. Nothing changed. She loves her partner, she loves her sister platonically and she will enjoy the family time.

A knock on the door startles her and makes her jump as she hears Sara’s voice: “Can I come in for a sec?”

Without thinking, Tegan replies “Sure!” and opens the door.

“I just need something from the cabinet I forgot down here.” Sara explains, standing in the doorway.

Tegan can't move. Something paralyzes her as she realizes how small the guest bathroom actually is, occupied with the toilet, bathtub and sink, not much space is left to maneuver in. At least not for two people at once.

“Ookay, let me grab it real quick…” Sara pushes into the room, squeezing herself in between the wall and Tegan, who is still standing by the door, holding it open.

“Geez, could you move a bit? What’s gotten into you this morning? You are slower than usual!”

But Tegan can't think. Time indeed seems to slow down as her sister moves past her in slow motion. As their bodies touch, Tegan’s heart skips a beat and the pulling in her groin is back. She is painfully aware of their breasts touching, their bodies pressed together and what should have been a split second feels endless to her. The smell of Sara’s body lotion reaches her nose, a faint note of cherry, and she never wants to smell anything else ever again. Suddenly time speeds up again and Sara is already rummaging through the cabinet, searching for something.

“I was done anyway!” Tegan exclaims a bit too loud and her ears ring, hot from embarrassment as she flees the room. 

Burying her face in her hands she walks back to the living room, letting the air leave her lungs then breathing in and filling them again, before she enters. She puts on a smile to save face and sits back down at the table.

“Sooo what’s for breakfast?”

“Sonia is in the kitchen, fixing something to eat for you I think.” Stacy says, sipping her coffee holding the mug with both hands.

“She doesn’t have to do that!” Tegan justifies herself, but Stacy just shrugs her shoulders and returns to her conversation with Sofia.

Somehow this morning is getting more and more stressful and Tegan wishes once more that she could just hide somewhere. With a deep sigh she gets up again, this time making her way to the kitchen. Sonia is standing at the stove, stirring scrambled eggs in a pan with a wooden spoon. Mickey and Holiday sit by her side, hoping that a piece will fall down so they can snatch it before anyone can react. Tegan sees cut up fruits and yoghurt set up on a tray already and a cup of hot coffee next to it.

“Oh mum… you didn’t have to do that. I’m old enough to make my breakfast myself.”

Sonia turns her head to face Tegan and smiles warm and welcoming like only mothers can. But as she notices the bags under her daughter's eyes and the exhaustion in her face, the smile is gone and worry takes it's place.

“I know honey. But you look exhausted and we haven’t seen each other in a while. Let me take care of you just this time. Are you okay? Is something wrong?”

Sonia examines her daughter, studying her face, searching for a reason. Tegan recognizes the concern in her mother’s eyes and immediately gets scared that she will find the truth in her own, so she turns her gaze to the floor. People always tell her that she is an open book, especially compared to her twin, who hides her emotion much better than she herself is able too.

“No, I’m just tired. Everything’s good mum, thanks for asking.”

She tries to smile but she knows she isn't a good liar. She never was. But Sonia in turn knows, that she will not be able to force the truth out of her daughter even if she insists, so she just nods and turns her attention back to the pan. Tegan is once again thankful that her mom isn't the pushy kind (at least not anymore) and she gets down on one knee to greet the cats.

“Good morning you two! How are my nieces and nephews? How are my sweet little babies?” she turns on her baby-voice-that-is-reserved-for-animals and scratches them as they stroke around her legs. When Holiday realizes that there is no food to get here, she moves away from Tegan and sits back down in a safe distance. Mickey on the other hand rubs his head on Tegan's knee and her open palm, purring softly. God sometimes they remind her so much of her and Sara!

“Breakfast is ready.” Sonia plates the scrambled eggs, puts the plate on the tray next to the fruit and coffee and turns around, looking at Tegan once more. “Do you need anything else?” her voice is quiet and low and Tegan knows that her mother doesn't mean food. She smiles, honestly this time.

“No mum. But thank you. You’ve done more than enough already.” Sonia nods again, quickly cleaning up the utensils she cooked with, rinsing them off with water in the sink.

“Okay then. You know you can always talk to me. And I would hug you if I could, but we should at least try and keep those boundaries intact for now. It’s enough that we are breaking quarantine like this.” She gestures in the direction of the living room.

“I’m very thankful that you let me and Sofia into your bubble” Tegan winks, takes the tray from the countertop and starts to walk back towards the living room. 

Sara is back at the table, sitting next to Stacy. She is wearing jeans and a light blue shirt that is buttoned up all the way to her neck. Her legs are crossed and she has joined the table-talk. As Tegan sits down, clattering with the tray, Sara only raises an eyebrow, studying it.

“Don’t even start, I didn’t ask her to!” Tegan mutters, as Sonia joins the table.

“No she did not. And don’t act like I have never made you breakfast Madame” she shoots Sara a stern look.

“Alright, alright, I didn’t say anything.” Sara sighs and turns her attention back to the conversation at the other end of the table.

Tegan pours yoghurt over the fruit in her bowl and stirrs it. She is lost in thought as the table erupts in laughter over something Sonia said. Tegan looks up, her eyes shooting straight up to her sister’s face as if it was a magnet and her own eyes were made of iron. Sara laughs, the joy spreading to her eyes as they get small and Tegan’s heart falls to her stomach. The beauty that she saw in her sister for the first time last night hits her right in the face again and knocks the wind out of her. The air around Sara seems to glow and Tegan’s eyes are unable to focus on anything else other than her twin.

Still staring at Sara she picks up a piece of apple with her spoon and brings it to her mouth. It falls right off the spoon in mid-air and lands on the table with a splat, splashing tiny birts of yoghurt on Tegan's sweater. Sofia bursts into laughter, clapping her hands and pointing at Tegan.

"Oh my god, you have no idea how stupid that looked! Hahaha! I wish you could have seen your face!"

Stacy grins and quickly takes a sip of her coffee to hide her own laughter, but Sara just stares at Tegan in disbelief, as if she couldn't grasp that this was indeed her sister sitting there, eating as if she never held a spoon before.

"Holy... did you actually sleep or did you stay up the whole night drinking? Maybe Mum should feed you too, so you don't make a mess all over the table..."

Tegan's face burns with embarrassment and she tries to concentrate on her food, practically burying her face in the bowl. When she finally manages to put something in her mouth she realizes that she isn’t hungry. On the contrary, her stomach is turning and her heart is racing in her chest. But she can't let the others know. If those thoughts won’t leave her, at least she has to hide them better. So she laughs along with her family and forces food down her throat until she has eaten about half of the meal that is spread out in front of her.

“Oof mum, that was way too much! Thank you but I just can’t get anything more down. Anyone like to help me?”

Stacy reaches over the table and takes the fruit bowl and Sofia asks Tegan for the rest of her scrambled eggs.

“Let me at least get you both clean forks, if you have to share your food!” Sonia shakes her head and jumps up to get clean cutlery out of the kitchen.

“What should we do with it instead, throw it away?” Stacy mutters as she picks up a piece of orange with her fingers and puts it in her mouth before Sonia can notice.

Sara scoffs: “You are just happy that you are getting a second breakfast!”

“It’s been a while since we ate!” Stacy justifies herself as she takes the fork from Sonia who has returned.

Sara places a light kiss on Stacy’s cheek. Tegan turns her head, scratching her neck in an attempt to hide the fact that she can't watch her sister kissing another woman. Where is Sara's anxiety for open displays of affection when you need it? When everyone finally finished eating, the table company begins to dissolve, chairs screaching over the wooden floor as they are pulled back. 

“Remember what I told you Sara and don’t worry. It’ll work I’m sure. I need to get back home, call me if you need anything else.” Sonia turns to her other daughter.

“You too Tegan.” Concern spreads across her face again and Tegan nods, feeling a desperate need to hug her mother. She yearns for the warm safety that her mother’s arms would give her, for the calmness that would then spread through her and fill her up. Instead she waves at her mum with a half-smile as Sonia walks to her car. They are all standing in front of the house, waving her goodbye.

“Stacy and I will go for a morning- well actually noon- walk.” Tegan hears Sofia’s voice next to her. Her partner wraps her arms around her, pulling Tegan into a tight hug.

“You want to join us?”

All she wants to do is to lay down in bed, hide under the covers and hug herself.

“Nope, she can’t.” Sara jumps in. “I recruited her to help me in the garden. This is not a hotel, even if you got breakfast made for you.”

Her sister winks to show that she is teasing and Tegan wants to scream at her. With every look Sara gives her, with every wink and every smirk, the feelings inside her seem to worsen. The voice in her head yells: “Leave me alone! Don’t talk to me, don’t touch me, get the fuck away from me! I can’t stand being around you!” but she laughs and shakes her head.

“Is there any way that I can get out of this?”

Sara only smiles and shakes her own head slowly. There is nothing she can do without raising concern so Tegan raises her arms and lets them fall to her side again in a desperate motion.

“Fine. Let me at least change into my boots. I don’t want to ruin my sneakers any more than I already have. “

Pulling Sofia back into their embrace, she mutters into her shoulder: “I’m sorry baby. You will have to go without me.”

Sofia pouts and kisses her. Then she pulles Tegan close again and whisperes in her ear: “It’s okay. You can make it up to me later.” And Tegan sees her grin as Sofia and Stacy walk away, running shoes on their feet and watter bottles in their hands. She doesn't know what she should think about that idea. Not that she isn't still turned on by her partner, but the thought of someone else arouses her too and she is not sure if mixing the two things together is wise...

“Come on, get a move on slowpoke!” Sara rips her from her thoughts “Mum gave me advice on how to deal with the slugs and I want to get that done first. Get your boots, I’ll clean up the table. Meet you in the garden!”

Before Tegan even realizes it Sara is back in the house and she is standing alone on the entryway. Her head hurts and she feels uneasy, wringing her hands and stroking herself with her thumb. She would like to do something about all of this, figure out what all this means and then find a solution or a way to handle it. But her mind is an empty void and she can't grasp a clear thought that could help her in any way. It's like she is stuck in the first wagon on a rollercoaster that has no end, going up steep hills and then falling down again, leaving her stomach somewhere way above her. Right now she is rushing down, but she knows she will be pulled up again as soon as she lays eyes on her twin. 

Step by step, Tegan walks slowly around the house to the garden suite. The food she had forced herself to eat is upsetting her stomach and she desperately tries to keep it down. Tegan wants anything else than to be alone with her twin sister right now, but she knows Sara won’t let her off the hook. If her sister sets her mind on something there is no way to change it. So she kicks her sneakers off and changes into a black pair of worn out boots that are old enough so that she won’t mind getting them dirty. If she is doing garden work, she will most likely get warm so she pulls the sweater over her head and replaces it with a light coat. Before she has to face her sister again, she lets herself fall onto the bed, clutching a pillow.

“She’s your sister. Whatever this is, it will go away. Just act naturally and once your hormones settle down, you can leave all this behind you and be normal again.” And with that thought, Tegan jumps up, braces herself and walks to the door.


	5. Date Night

“Mum actually told me a few things that we could try to get rid of the slugs and I’m not quite sure what to do first. Some of them are lethal and some aren’t.” 

Sara is standing on the grass, fidgeting with her hands as she weighs the options against one another. No slugs are around this time as the twin sisters look down on the plants that are littered with holes. 

“Well, you said you don’t want to hurt them. So maybe we start with the non-lethal ones? If that doesn’t work we can still survey the other options.” Tegan shrugs.

Sara nods “Yeah, I guess you’re right. Don’t know if the harmless ones sound so promising though…”

Tegan finds it hard to contribute something since she doesn’t even know what kind of advice Sonia gave her sister and she feels extremely useless, just standing around, watching Sara think. Sara clenches her jaw as she is zoned out and lost in thought. Damn this jawline… Tegan never really understood what people meant when they said that about them. Sure, she knows about her strong features (she owns a mirror after all) but she never really got the full grasp of the beauty other people saw in them. Now her eyes are drawn to it, gazing over her sister’s profile, studying the skin and the bones underneath it. A desperate need to raise her arm and touch her twin’s face awakes in her, urging her to feel the soft skin under her fingers, to bury her hand in the hair that falls on Sara’s neck. Warmth spreads inside Tegan’s body and suddenly the coat she is wearing seems way too hot for this time of the year. She takes it off, stretches her neck and tries to concentrate on the matter at hand. 

“Maybe you wanna fill me in on what options we are even talking about? Then I could actually help with the decision?” 

Sara’s eyes focus back into reality again and she turns to Tegan, running a hand through her hair.

“Okay, the deadly ones are: slug pellets, it’s these little corn thingies that you spread around the yard and they poison the slugs. Spreading Coffee or salt and setting up beer traps. The harmless ones are: some kind of paste that you can spread out, they just hate the smell of it or something I don’t know. Slug fences, but they are really ugly and would only keep them out. Since they are already inside that doesn’t make sense right now. We could attract them to a certain spot and then just collect them and relocate them or I could buy ducks or try to lure a hedgehog in here. Well that technically counts as a lethal method but I’d say that’s just the natural food chain. So, what do you think?”

Sara rattles the list down, counting the options down on her fingers and looks at Tegan expectedly afterwards.  
Tegan lifts her hands up to her chest, holding the palms out to Sara and raises her eyebrows.

“Woah okay, hold your horses that was a bit fast. What the hell is a beer trap?” 

“You dig little holes in the ground, fill a cup with beer and put it in the hole. It seems that slugs really like the smell of beer, so they come over and fall straight into the cup. And well…they drown.” 

“That’s kinda mean…” 

“Yeah and the other downside is that it could even attract slugs from the neighbor’s garden, so there’s a chance I will have even more of the bastards in here than before. Also if you think that is mean, you should see what salt does to them. It’s brutal!”

Sara talks herself into an excited frenzy, gesturing with her hands.

A slight smile forms on Tegan’s face as she watches her sister getting riled up over something as mundane as gardening. 

“This is so cute!”

Oh fuck. Did she really just say that out loud? Did the words really leave her mouth? There is no doubt they did as Sara knits her brows and looks at Tegan in disbelief.

“Torturing and killing slugs is cute? Well that’s a dark side of you I haven’t seen before…”

_If you only knew_ … Tegan thinks to herself.

“Of course not. I meant… forget it, it’s not important anyway. So basically we are not keen on the murdering innocent animals thing. What about the relocation? Sounds “humane” to me. What can you use to attract them?”

Sara still looks a bit skeptical and Tegan wishes they really had the twin powers that everyone thinks they have so she could read her sister’s mind. But then Sara could read her mind too and that would be catastrophic at the moment, so it’s actually better this way. 

“Rotten wood and big leafs as shelter for the night. And a mix of dry cat food and wheat bran to get them there. They just kinda sleep there and in the morning you can pluck them right up.” Sara shrugs.

“Sounds good. But I guess we have to do that in the evening? Mickey and Holiday would just eat the bait. Come to think of it, why don’t they just eat the damn slugs?” Tegan frowns.

“Because they are gross! Would you eat a fat, slimy thing like that? Yuck.” 

“Well no, but I’m not an animal!” Tegan exclaims.

Her sister grins and chuckles softly. 

“Depends on who you ask I guess. You certainly looked like one at the breakfast table.” She winks and Tegan’s knees feel weak.

“But yeah, we have to do this in the evening. You can help me pluck out the weeds instead though.”

Sara provides Tegan with gardening gloves, a bucket and a hand rake. They decide that it will be best if they both start on opposite ends of the garden and then meet in the middle, so they won’t be in each other’s way. Well actually Sara decides and Tegan just goes along with it. She doesn’t care where she pulls the weeds out and a little time to herself might actually be a good thing. An excuse to think about everything that happened and sort it out is just what she needs right now. As her hands move around in the soil, her mind is racing, bombarding her with questions and worries.

_“What does this mean? Am I in love with my sister? Do I still love Sofia? What does it mean? Will this go away? Did she notice? What if she finds out? Will she hate me? WHAT DOES IT MEAN?”_

Tegan grabs a hand full of dirt and makes a tight fist around it in frustration. Then she pulls off her gloves, places both of her palms on the ground and pushes them down. The cold, moist soil embraces her fingers and composure settles in as she focusses her mind on the feeling of the earth on her skin. She takes deep breaths, slowly pushing the air out and inhaling again. 

_“Wow, gardening really is therapeutic…” she can’t help but think to herself._

_“Okay, relax. Panicking won’t help with anything. Here’s the situation: You are attracted to Sara. That’s just how it is. You didn’t choose this, you didn’t want this, it just happened. Denying it obviously doesn’t make it go away. Trying to ignore it also didn’t work. They always say acceptance is the first step, so: I am attracted to my sister. Fine. No big deal. People can be attracted to other people, doesn’t mean they have to act on it. As if that would even be an option!_

_Unless… what if Sara feels the same way? Maybe not right now but at some point…_

_No! Not helpful! It will never happen, it CAN’T happen._

_But what now?_

_Now, THAT is a good question. Okay, step one: Don’t let her notice. Try to act normal. Don’t be all stuck up, smile and laugh like you used to. Also: DON’T stare at her! Well this one will be a bit harder…_

_In a normal situation distancing yourself from her would be a good idea. But that’s a bit difficult now that you are living together again… damn, couldn’t this shit turn up when we were miles and miles apart? Still, try to do it as much as possible.”_

She realizes that her hands were steady at work, while she was zoned out and she gets work done quickly. Another idea comes to her mind, something that had always helped her work through things in the past. 

_“Should I write a song about it?”_

Tegan stops in her tracks and fiddles with the freshly pulled weeds in her hands. It would help her feel better, it does most of the time. Should she share it with Sara? The lyrics shouldn’t be too obvious, just in case she will show it to her sister. Tegan decides that she will think about that later, after all she didn‘t even start writing it. 

_“Let’s see how it turns out. I’m gonna write it for myself first, to get everything out of my system. Everything else can be postponed.”  
“So, here’s the plan: act normal, distance yourself, work it out in a song. Sound’s good.”_

Satisfied with herself she nods, puts the gloves back on and picks up the rake again to continue the maintenance of Sara’s garden. When she looks back up she sees Sara has already made her way through her half of the garden and is closing in on Tegan’s position. They both continue to work quietly until they are right next to each other, their knees almost touching. 

“Nice, we’re finally done”, Tegan says and she indeed feels calmer than before.

“Oh wait, you forgot one!” Sara rests her hand on Tegan’s shoulder to steady herself as she reaches out in front of her sister to pluck the last bit of weed out.

“Aaaaalright, cool. Thanks for your help, that was a lot faster than if I had done it alone.”

Sara’s hand is still resting on Tegan’s shoulder as Sara gives her sister a smile. Tegan desperately tries to think of anything she could say or do that would make the touch last but before she can find words, Sara’s phone starts ringing in her pocket. Tegan could swear Sara startled nervously when it went off.

“Hey Stace, what’s going on? Hmm I don’t know…Wait a sec, she’s actually right next to me. Hold on.”

Sara takes the phone of her ear and turns to Tegan, putting a hand over the phone to muffle their conversation. 

“Stacy and Sofia are planning on going to the beach this evening. They ask if we want to join them.”

“Uhm no? There’s still a pandemic going on? The fuck…”

“Nah, I guess we’ll pass. Might be too crowded. You sure you wanna go? Okay okay, I’m not saying anything. Although by the look on Tegan’s face you both might have to justify yourselfs before her later…you know what let’s not get into this now. Are you coming home before the beach or you two staying out? Okay. Alright, see you tonight I guess. Bye!”

Tegan’s eyes widen in disbelief as her twin hangs up and puts her phone back in her front pocket.  
Sara rolls her eyes.

“What? What was I supposed to say? It’s their decision Tegan, they are grownups. I’m not forbidding them from going anywhere. Stacy knows that I don’t necessarily approve of her going out right now but I’m not gonna tie her to a chair to keep her in the house or something.”

Tegan shakes her head in anger and takes off the gardening gloves.

“Honestly, your wife is a bad influence on Sofia! She didn’t go out in months and as soon as we are here with you…”

“Really Tegan? Oh wow. Honestly you should pull the stick outta your ass. What? Don’t look at me like that! They are both smart and reasonable, they wear masks, they keep their distance and shit. They just want to watch the sundown at the beach. Get off their backs. And certainly get off mine, I didn’t even do anything. Actually I thought this might be a nice opportunity to spend some time together, just the two of us. But now you gotta make a big deal out of everything and honestly it pisses me off.” 

Sara rises up, throwing her own gardening gloves down on the ground in frustration.  
Tegan feels lightheaded. Frustrated that her own girlfriend is breaking quarantine, angry that her sister is going off on her like that but also confused and excited that her twin wants to spend time with her alone. She shakes her head again, this time trying to clear her thoughts and takes a deep breath.

“Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to attack you… or Stacy. I’m just trying to be responsible and I’m sorry if that came out a bit harsh. Let’s not fight about this. You are right…”

Sara stares at her in disbelief, confused that her twin would give in this quickly and Tegan can’t blame her. Usually their fights last longer since no one wants to back down and end a lot different. But Tegan doesn’t have the energy to fight her sister right now and she doesn’t want to lose the opportunity to be alone with her. 

“Well, not about the going-out-like-nothing-is-happening thing. I’m still very persistent on that. But you are right that they should decide for themselves and I shouldn’t be arguing with you about it. Sooo… we good?”

Tegan nudges her fist on Sara’s shoulder and tries to put on her best innocent smile and puppy eyes. Sara looks at her, eyebrows knitted but Tegan can see the anger inside them fading quickly. A spark runs through them as Sara chuckles.

“Alright alright no need to get all ass-kissy now.” Sara sighs. “This fucking pandemic. You just can’t blame them for wanting to get out of the house every now and then…”

“Anyway…” Tegan jumps up before they are in danger to start the argument again. 

“What did you have in mind for tonight? You wanna get in the studio, work on a few songs?

Sara shrugs her shoulders and tilts her head to the side.

“Nah, not really. I was thinking of something chill, relaxing… maybe just watch a movie? Snuggle up on the couch, get a fire going in the fireplace, eat some snacks…”

“So… date night?” 

Tegan winks at her sister. The fuck? Did she really just say this? What had gotten into her?  
Sara laughs and blushes slightly.

“Yeah date night. I just gotta get snacks from the store, don’t think we got anything good stocked. You want anything special?” 

Relief washes over Tegan as she realizes that her sister is not weirded out by her teasing. Actually it kind of seems like she is engaging in it? No, that was just their usual bickering. 

“Uhm not really. Popcorn but that’s a given. M&M’s. Maybe something for cocktails or anything like that?”

“Yeah, good idea. Okay, I’ll head off right away. Can you do me a favor and put away the rakes and stuff?”

Sara starts walking up to the house, but turns around again halfway.

“Oh and why don’t you pick a movie while I’m gone? Maybe something romantic? What’s a date without a good rom-com huh?”

She winks and a wide grin spreads over her face, lighting up her eyes.

This time Tegan blushes and tries to laugh it off as she feels her face getting hot. Actually her whole body seems to be heating up and her heart beats rapidly against her chest. What has she done? What about the plan she made for herself just minutes ago? Keep your distance! That was the plan! And now she was planning a movie night alone with her twin sister, talking about romantic movies and drinking liqueur…

_“You got some nice self-discipline right there. Good work Tegan.”_

She mutters to herself as she picks the gloves up off the floor and collects the rakes. She puts everything away in the shed, empties the buckets in the compost and swats the dirt off of her jeans. “I should take a shower.”  
Who knew gardening would be so exhausting? Tegan has a lot of plants at her apartment but all she needs to do is water them and see to it that they get enough sunlight (or not too much depending on the plant). She usually doesn’t have to pull weeds or stuff like that. Now her shirt is sweaty and her jeans are dirty as well as her face. Tegan goes back to the studio to get a fresh set of clothes and towels and makes her way to the main house. The bathtub seems to laugh at her mockingly as she takes off her clothes and brushes her hair. She turns on the water to let it heat up before she steps in the tub and under the strain of water. As the hot water runs down her body she tries to think of a movie that they could watch. Should she really pick a rom-com? Was Sara serious? Or will she laugh at her if she really picks one? Maybe she should pick out a second option. A backup movie that she could pull out to play off the rom-com as a joke. 

Tegan tries hard to focus on the task at hand, but her body and mind defy her. Again and again the memory of her nightly visit to the bathroom flashes before her eyes and make it hard for her to concentrate. But maybe that isn’t such a bad idea… Maybe if she can get it out of her system now, she won’t get aroused by her sister so easily later. _“Oh my god, are you listening to yourself?”_ But her hand already trails down her body and it is already too late to stop herself. Tegan leans her forehead against the cold tiles on the wall as her fingers part her lower lips and find her clit. She doesn’t even try to fight the images that come to her mind as she closes her eyes. Sara’s breasts hovering above her, her hand trailing down Tegan’s body, their lips meeting in a fierce kiss, her sister’s head between her legs… Soon enough she feels close to climax. Pressing her head hard against the wall she moans, her body tensing up, her legs straightening. As she comes she presses her face against the tiles, her lips feeling the cold touch as the last waves rush over her body. 

“Tee? I’m back!”

Tegan hears Sara yelling outside the door, trying to overtone the running water.

“I’ll be right out!” she yells back.

“Take your time. I’m gonna go upstairs to take a shower too.” 

Did Sara hear something? Did she moan loud enough for her sister to hear? Tegan didn’t pay attention to her volume so she can’t say for sure. Well, it would be too late to change anything about that anyway. And she is actually quite sure that they have heard each other masturbate in the past, when they shared rooms or tour busses. Of course they never said a word about it! She shampoos her hair and instinctively reaches for her razor. Just as the blade touches her skin she realizes what she is about to do. Who is she shaving for? For Sofia? Or for Sara? Maybe she shouldn’t shave at all… No, that’s bullshit. _Stop overthinking everything!._

When she’s done Tegan uses her favorite shower gel and rinses her body off. She turns the water off, grabs a towel from the handle and dries herself. She ruffles through her hair and starts to get dressed. Earlier she picked out a black ripped jeans and black sleeveless shirt, the type she loved to wear back in the day. Not exactly the coziest outfit for a movie night on the couch… is she trying too hard? Somehow the premise of a “date night” with Sara causes her to throw all caution out the window. Tegan applies just a hint of her favorite perfume on her neck and checks herself in the mirror once more. She tries to fix her hair so it would at least look like some sort of style, but it’s no use. She is longing to get her hair cut, but that would mean breaking quarantine and that’s a no go right now. At least her outfit is on point she decides, turns and leaves the bathroom. 

When she enters the living room, she finds the snacks already spread out on the table, two glasses next to them. At least she has enough time now to pick out a movie as long as Sara is still in the shower. There’s only one problem: _Where is the remote?_ She would have expected it to be placed next to the TV or on the coffee table, given as neat as Sara is, but she can’t find it anywhere until there is only one place left to look… 

“I’m sorry Holiday, but you’ll have to move. You have it don’t you? Come on, just let me check…”

Holiday lets out an outraged “Meow” as Tegan walks over to the couch and slides her hands under her belly to pick her up. The cat jumps away, giving Tegan a grumpy look. Sure enough, she had been lying on the remote.

“See! I knew it. Don’t look at me like that you thief!”

Tegan lets herself fall on the couch, turns the TV on and searches for the Amazon Prime App. All she can think of are movies like “Notting Hill” or “Romeo&Juliet” and those are not only way too cheesy but also extremely on the nose. So she chooses the category option and clicks on “Romance”. After a while of scrolling through various films she stops at the title “About time”. The title screen makes it seem like a typical rom-com, much like “The Notebook”. But the overview sounds promising. Described as “not your typical rom-com” (go figure) paired with a bit of family drama and a hint of fantasy, the film is about a man who discovers that he can travel back in time but only in his own timeline. So he decides to use this added time that he has on his hands to find love. This definitely sounds intriguing! Now she only has to settle on a backup movie. She picks “Once upon a time in Hollywood” which she still hasn’t seen and goes to the kitchen to start mixing cocktails.

When Sara comes back down, Tegan is still slicing oranges in the kitchen for the Aperol Spritz she prepared. She hears Sara talking to Holiday as she puts two big slices in each glass, takes the glasses from the countertop and walks back to the living room. Sara is kneeling on the floor, placing wood in the fireplace while Holiday and Mickey watch her, excited that something is happening.  
Tegan is surprised to see that Sara also chose a stylish outfit over a comfortable one. She expected to see her in sweatpants and a hoodie or something like that, but there she is, in skinny jeans and a black button up shirt. Did she… is that make up on her face? No, Tegan is imagining things. Sara has no reason to dress up and put make up on for a movie night with her twin sister. 

_“God, stop imagining stuff that isn’t there. You’re getting desperate…” Tegan tells herself._

Sara looks up at her twin and smiles somewhat shyly. She too seems surprised that Tegan dressed up.

“Looking good” she says and blinks.

“Uh… thanks. You too…” Sara took Tegan by surprise and she knows it. But instead of mocking her for it, she just continues to smile warmly and turns her attention back to the fireplace.

Tegan decides to be a little more bold about it. She has to test the waters, see how far Sara is willing to take this game.

“You have to dress up for a first date after all, right? I didn’t want to disappoint you…”

Sara doesn’t even flinch. She looks Tegan up and down for a second, looks her straight in the eye and winks.

“Oh and you didn’t!” Lighting the fire she adds: “I always liked those shirts on you.” 

This is absolutely not the direction Tegan expected the evening to go. Obviously her sister is playing a game they both started equally, teasing each other to get a laugh, but she has no clue that this isn’t just a game for Tegan. And now there Tegan is, blushing because her sister is playfully flirting with her, her heart pounding in her chest so hard that she is sure Sara is able to see her shirt pulsing.  
Not knowing what to say or do, Tegan takes a large sip from her Aperol, forgetting that she is holding an alcoholic beverage for a second. Surprised by the burning in her throat she coughs and waves her hand through the air.

“Whoa, easy there buddy. No need to rush the drinking part, you wanna be black out drunk by the first half of the movie?”

Sara laughs, closes the gate on the fireplace, stands up and walks to the couch. 

“So what are we watching?”

Tegan tries to regain her composure, coughing one last time as she sits down next to Sara and reaches for the remote. Her mind is racing as her heart still tries to break through her ribcage. How will Sara react? Should she really suggest the romantic movie? Or go with Tarantino right away to spare herself the embarrassment? Encouraged by her sister’s behavior she clicks on “About Time” and nervously stares on the TV screen, trying to catch Sara’s reaction out of the side of her eye.

“What about that one? Sounds interesting. And you wanted a romantic movie, right?”

She sees her twin smirk knowingly and half expects to be laughed at, but Sara only reaches for her glass on the table and nods.

“Yeah, that actually sounds good. You had me at “not your typical rom-com”. 

She air quotes the last words and lifts her glass, looking at Tegan, raising her eyebrows expectantly. 

“Cheers!” she exclaims, waiting for Tegan to pick up on the hint.

“Cheers!” Tegan echoes and clinks her glass with Sara’s.

“To date night.” Sara adds before taking a sip and leaning back on the couch. 

Tegan starts the movie and leans back too. She tried to keep a reasonable amount of space between them when she sat down, enough to not make Sara uncomfortable but not too much so it would get awkward. Mickey jumps in between them on the couch and makes himself comfortable, pressing his warm body against Tegan’s thigh. Tegan opens the bag of popcorn while they watch the main character discover his time traveling abilities and offers Sara the bag. They watch in silence as the man sets his goal on trying to find true love, stumbling in his efforts. The movie is actually pretty good and Tegan congratulates herself silently for the choice. 

Absent-mindedly Tegan reaches down to pet Mickey beside her but instead of the soft, warm fur, a cold hand meets her touch. Her first instinct is to quickly pull her hand away, but then she remembers the game they are playing and takes Sara’s fingers in between her own.

“Wow your hands are made of ice! Are you cold?”

“Yeah… maybe the shirt wasn’t a good idea after all…” Sara frowns.

“Wait a second, I’ll get the blanket.” 

Tegan jumps up a bit too overzealous, sliding over the wooden floor as she hears Sara laughing behind her. She pulls a grey, woolen blanket out of a dresser in the corner of the room and runs back to the couch, trying not to miss too much of the movie. Sara is still laughing as Tegan slips on the floor again and Tegan throws the blanket over her sister’s head to get back at her. Startled, Mickey jumps off the couch and runs away to safety. 

“There you go, ungrateful brat.” 

Tegan says and plummets back on the couch next to Sara.

“Are you always this clumsy on first dates? It's kinda cute...” 

Sara laughs, elbowing her sister’s upper arm playfully.

"Oh, while you’re at it, you wanna fix us a new drink? We’re running a bit dry here…” 

Sara gestures to the empty glasses on the table and pauses the movie. 

“How about you go and I make myself comfortable here? I mixed the first drink, it’s your turn.” 

Tegan crosses her arms in front of her chest and raises an eyebrow, grinning at her twin.

“Fine. Don’t eat all the popcorn while I’m gone!”

Sara shrugs, entangles herself from the blanket and gets off the couch to go to the kitchen. 

“You know, we didn’t think about dinner. Actually it’s been a while since we ate… you wanna order delivery? I’m not really in the mood for cooking, the couch is way too comfortable right now.”

Surprisingly Tegan totally forgot about dinner. Also she isn’t really hungry, the butterflies in her stomach are making way too much fuss to leave room for anything else. But she doesn’t want to raise suspicion and Sara seems hungry so she replies:

“Good idea. What about that pizza place a few blocks away? You know, the one with the authentic Italian pizza? Well at least they advertise that…”

“Oh yeah, their pizza is actually really good! Would you place the order? Just get me one with mozzarella and tomatoes.” Sara yells from the kitchen.

“Tomatoes, gross.” Tegan mutters as she pulls out her phone and opens the delivery app. 

“You want a small, regular or large?” She yells back while scrolling through the menu.

“Small will be enough.” 

Sara says quietly and Tegan jumps a bit as she looks up from her phone and sees her twin sister standing right in front of the coffee table, a glass in each hand. 

“Oof you scared me! Sneaking up on me like that…” Tegan sends the order out and places her phone back on the table.

“You got a guilty conscience or something?” Sara winks and walks around the table to sit back next to her sister.

When she sits back down she picks up the blanket and, without asking, throws one half of it over Tegan’s lap and gets comfortable under the other half. She scoots closer to her sister so they are both covered and turns the movie back on.

“What are we having?” Tegan asks as she reaches for her glass, eyeing the clear liquid skeptically.

“Gin Tonic. Hand me mine too please! Thanks.” 

Sara replies and takes the glass that Tegan is holding out for her. Tegan clinks their glasses in a smooth motion while she focuses on the movie.

“Cheers!” she exclaims again, taking a sip.

Immediately she has to hold back another cough as the liquid burns her throat. Sara obviously emphasized on the gin part when she mixed the drink but Tegan doesn’t want to give her the satisfaction in seeing her struggle.

“Is it good? What do you think?” Sara grins and takes a sip of her own glass, a bold spark in her eyes.

“Absolutely. But maybe we should wait for the pizza before downing the whole thing…” 

“Grandma!” Sara mutters and takes another sip, deeper this time to emphasize the insult.

“Really? That’s how you wanna play this? Oh it’s on Madame…” 

Tegan mocks her and takes another sip too, raising her eyebrows to challenge her sister.  
Sara laughs and sits her glass back down on the table. She eyes her sister skeptically as if to see how far Tegan is willing to go to impress her. 

“Why don’t we turn this into a drinking game? Every time he travels back in time, we have to drink. What do you say?” 

Sara gestures in the TV’s direction. 

“Okay, let’s do it. But don’t blame me when you end up on the bathroom floor in a few hours with your head in the toilet.” 

This time it is Tegan who sports a bold grin.

“Yeah as if. I’ll probably have to carry you to bed!” Sara counters, crosses her arms and leans back, turning her attention back to the TV.

_“Oh if you only knew how good that sounds…”_ Tegan thinks and grabs a handful of popcorn in a desperate attempt to fill her stomach with anything so she can hold down more liquor. She can’t make a fool of herself tonight and get black out drunk… at least not before Sara does it first. The time travelling isn’t that bad at the start of the movie and so they are only halfway through their cocktails when the doorbell rings.

“Pizza!” Sara jumps up excitedly and claps her hands together. 

“Pause it, I’ll go get the door!” She yells, already half down the hallway. 

Tegan hits the pause button on the remote and gets up too.

“Is it pre-cut?” she yells as she hears Sara closing the front door. 

“Uhm wait a sec…” the sound of a pizza carton opening and closing again is heard and Sara yells back:

“Not all the way… better get a pizza cutter to make sure!”

Tegan joins her sister in the hallway, sliding past her on her way to the kitchen.

“I’ll go get it. You need anything else from the kitchen?”

“Oregano please. Thanks!” Sara has to yell the last word again as she is already back in the living room.

Tegan searches the cabinets for the requested spice and when she finally finds it, her gaze falls on the bottle of gin sitting on the countertop. In a sudden motion she picks up both the gin and the tonic water in addition to the oregano that is already sitting in her palm and returns to the living room.  
Pulling her head back in a surprised motion, Sara’s eyes fall on the two bottles in her sisters hands.

“I just thought we won’t have to get back up to mix new drinks when we run empty. We are getting nowhere with the movie if we keep going at that pace, pausing all the time.”

Tegan shrugs and sits back on the couch in front of her pizza. Sara already started eating her first piece, holding it with two hands. Tegan follows suit and opens the box in front of her. 

“Wadyuged?” Sara mumbles, her mouth full and a hand under her chin to catch any pieces that might fall off her pizza slice.

Tegan can’t help but laugh and replies as she raises her own slice to her mouth:

“Just vegetable pizza. Peppers, brokkoli, onions, mushrooms…” 

She takes the first bite and a rich taste fills her mouth.

“Oh my god… this is so good!” Tegan rolls back her eyes and lets herself fall back against the cushions, pizza still in hand.

“I know right! Told you! Also if you stain my couch I’m gonna tear you a new one… aaaah he time travelled, quick quick, drink!”

They both take a sip, but before they can place their glasses back on the table, another time travel occurs and they have to bring them back to their lips.

“Oh shit I got a feeling the time travel is picking up… we’re gonna be in trouble!” 

And as it turns out, Sara is right. The main character travels a lot more now and even montages are shown with almost back to back time travels. They empty their glasses before they even finish their pizza but neither of them seem willing to give up. Sara refills their glasses and Tegan can see that she is not tuning things down with the amount of alcohol she puts in. Tegan is already feeling drunk, her head not really spinning but everything becoming a bit dampened and slowed. But there is no way she will grant her sister the win, they are both way too competitive for something like that. They are reaching the end of the film and the drama part kicks in. They were already sitting close but when the main character is skipping stones with his father on the beach in the last scene, Tegan feels Sara’s head on her shoulder and warm tears drip on her shirt. She is crying herself, whether out of sentimentality or sadness she can’t say. Maybe a mixture of both.

The end credits roll and Sara brushes away the last tears, smiling through watery eyes. 

“Wow. That was really, really good. Didn’t really expect that to be honest. Oof we both weep way too easily.” 

She chuckles and brushes away a tear that is rolling down Tegan’s cheek, still smiling. Tegan could get lost in that smile. She wants to look at it forever, to soak it in with every fiber of her being and fill herself up with the warmth that spreads from it. The sudden image of herself reaching out and putting a hand around Sara’s neck, pulling her in for a kiss pops in her head and she swallows hard.

_Stop staring at her dammit!_

“Yeah, mom was always like that too. Remember how the three of us were sitting in front of the TV, bawling our eyes out?”

Sara chuckles: “Yeah and Bruce always got up to get himself a beer out of the kitchen or something so we would'nt see that he was crying too!”

She stretches her arms over head and eyes the clock on the wall. 

“Well we started kinda early huh? It’s only 9 pm… doubt the others will be back just yet. You want to just start up another movie?”

“Yeah I’m not quite ready to get off this couch either. I actually had a backup movie, in case you didn’t want to watch the first one, “Once upon a time in Hollywood”. Have you watched that already?”

Tegan answers and stretches her legs out under the coffee table, resting her hands behind her head.

“A backup movie huh? What, were you scared I didn’t want to watch a rom-com after all? Told you it’s a must on a first date!”

Sara winks and playfully shoves her sister’s shoulder.

“But to answer your question, no, I have'nt seen it yet. Just start it up and let it load, I need to go to the bathroom real quick.”

Sara gets up and pauses for a second before she starts walking, steadying herself on the walls she passes on the way. 

“You already need to stick your head in the toilet?” 

Tegan teases her, but she is actually worried. To her relief Sara flips her off and makes a face at her, so she seems to be okay enough. She does as her sister told her and turns on the movie, pausing it right at the start. The alcohol in her system has a calming effect, her heart is not racing nonstop anymore and her mind has slowed the “carousel of worries” down. She leans her head back against the wall and closes her eyes, breathing in and out deeply. 

“Hey, don’t fall asleep on me!” 

Sara gets back from the bathroom and falls on the couch next to Tegan, hitting her on the shoulder to wake her up.

“I’m not sleeping! I was just using the time to relax, since you couldn’t get on my nerves!”

Tegan sticks her tongue out to Sara and presses play. While the opening scene plays she realizes that her sister is sitting much closer to her than usual, her head almost back on Tegan’s shoulder. The liquor makes her bold and she reaches out and takes Sara’s hand into her own, resting them together on her leg. To her surprise Sara does not pull away or say anything. Instead she lets her head fall back on Tegan’s shoulder and leaves it resting there.  
For the next ten minutes, Tegan tries not to breath too fast or too deep, trying to get her heart rate back to a normal pace for fear that Sara will be able to feel it pounding all the way up to her shoulder. 

Finally Sara sits up again, reaching over to the coffee table with her free hand, going for Tegan’s last slice of pizza.

“Uh excuse me… what do you think you’re doing?” Tegan asks.

“Eating the last slice. It’s been sitting there for half an hour now, it’s not like you are going to eat it anyway.” Sara replies, gesturing towards the food.  


“No you are not, this is mine. Too bad you devoured your pizza like a fucking hungry wolf, you are not getting my last slice madame! Hey, I said keep your hands off that!”

Tegan yells and bats away Sara’s hand that is again reaching for the pizza box.

“Don’t be so selfish, I just want a bite… let go…”

Sara tries to free her other hand, but Tegan holds on tight, pulling her twin back on the couch. Sara sits up straight and looks her twin in the eye with a serious look on her face.

“I’m gonna tickle you. Let go.” She exclaims with a deadpan voice.

“The fuck you are, this is my food and you have absolutely no right to claim it… Don’t even start!” 

Tegan holds a finger up in a warning gesture as Sara makes a claw with her free hand and starts creeping closer. But it is no use. Sara’s hand shoots forward before Tegan has time to react and she bursts out into laughter as her sister tickles her side relentlessly.

“Stooop… no… this is not fair…” 

She tries to argue in between laughter but Sara is not letting go. Tegan tries to pull away, but Sara follows her body movements and Tegan falls backwards on the surface of the couch, her head hitting it's edge.

“Shit, are you okay?” Sara gasps and eyes her sister’s head. 

“Yeah, nothing happened.” Tegan replies, trying to catch her breath.

“Good!” 

Sara grins and immediately returns to tickling her twin, torturing her sides with her fingers. Tegan tries everything to get her sister off of her, but she is lying on one of her arms and the other one is pushing at Sara uselessly until Sara gets a hold of it and locks it above her head. The tickling becomes too much to bear and she kicks out with her legs, trying to push her twin of the couch. Indeed Sara loses her footing, but instead of falling of the couch, she falls down on top of Tegan, their legs intertwined. She continues the torture but slowly something changes. Sara’s hand is still on Tegan’s side but the sensation of her touch feels different. Suddenly Tegan is painfully aware of her sister’s leg between her own, rubbing on the front of her jeans with every move that Sara makes. Sara’s head is lying next to Tegan’s, her face buried in the cushions and Tegan could swear that she can hear Sara’s breath fasten. 

In hindsight she can’t tell if it was the alcohol that made her reckless or if her desire simply overwhelmed her. But Tegan begins to slowly push her hips against Sara’s thigh and rests her face on her sister’s neck as her heart rate skyrockets and her breath fastens noticeably. She takes the skin on her twin’s neck in her mouth and bites down, sucking on it softly. Sara moans deeply right next to her ear and Tegan's groin feels as if she is about to explode. She feels Sara’s hips move in rhythm with her own and the hand on her side slides under her shirt and grabs her tightly, burying its nails in her skin. Tegan forgets everything around her, unable to think she frees her arm from her sister’s lock and puts her hand around Sara’s neck, pulling her even closer as Sara rubs her thigh on Tegan’s crotch. They both moan deeply under their breath and Tegan buries her hand in Sara’s hair as she feels the orgasm already building up inside her. In a sudden move she pulls her arm out from under her body and grabs her sister’s ass, pushing her lower body harder in to her own. Her moans become higher and as Sara feels her coming close, she pushes her thigh harder back against her twin, fastening their movements. Tegan holds her breath as she comes, her body twitching against Sara’s, her nails scratching the skin of her sister’s neck and her other hand pulling her as close as physics allow. Her orgasm lasts long and Sara is not pulling away, letting Tegan ride it out against her thigh. As the last twitches rock her body and the last bits of tension wash away, reality sets back in and Tegan’s stomach turns as she opens her eyes. Neither of them move for seconds that feel like eternity and Tegan doesn’t dare to speak, still feeling her sister’s hot and fast breath on her neck.

Even as they hear the key in the lock turn it takes them a bit too long too react.


	6. Relapse

“What the fuck are you doing?” 

Sara breaks free from Tegan and jumps off the couch, her face turning a deep red. 

This is bad. Beyond bad. This is the end of everything. It takes Tegan only split seconds to see what Stacy and Sophia are seeing. Sara’s hair is a mess, Tegan’s shirt is pulled up, exposing her stomach and the scratch marks on it and a blue circle is clearly visible on Sara’s neck that is starting to turn purple. She pulls her shirt down and lifts herself up into a seating position, unable to speak.

“Really? You two are fucking helpless! We are gone for a few hours and you can’t keep your fucking hands off each other? I thought those times were over, I thought you finally grew up, but it seems that will fucking never happen!” 

Stacy screams at them, gesturing wildly from one to the other. Tegan isn’t surprised to see the same confused look on Sara’s face that she is sure is showing on her own. What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

“Oh come on now, don’t act like nothing happened! It’s clear as day that you fought again! What is wrong with you two? Why are you at each other’s throats constantly?”

Tegan can’t help but bite her lip in an effort to hide a cheeky grin that creeps on her face as she realizes that Stacy -thankfully- got it all wrong. 

“Don’t laugh Tegan, this is serious. I only ever heard stories, but seeing you two go at each other like this… honestly it shocks me. This is not normal.” 

Sofia’s voice is much calmer than Stacy’s, but she indeed looks shocked and disappointed. 

“Oh please, what the fuck is normal anyway?” 

Sara mutters under her breath, but she soon realizes her mistake as Stacy cuts her off.

“Well this certainly isn’t! And don’t you dare turn this into a stupid argument about words or society or whatever now, don’t even try to change the subject! What the fuck was that fight about anyway? What could be so fucking important to throw fists over? And are you drunk??”

She gestures towards the bottle of gin that is still sitting on the coffee table.  
Sara turns away and runs a hand over her neck, unable to hold Stacy’s gaze. Tegan can’t think of any excuse that would be reason enough, so she sticks with the truth. Turning her eyes to the floor she mumbles:

“Sara was trying to eat my last slice of pizza.”

Stacy stares at her wide eyed, mouth open, arms outstretched and lost for words. Sophia rolls her eyes and turns her head away. As Stacy regains her composure she lets her arms fall to her side.

“Wow. Really? This is so fucking childish… You know what? Fine. Fucking tear each other to pieces. I’m not doing this again, if you wanna start his whole shit again, have at it. I’m not throwing myself in between you two, I’m not Emy. Oh I can’t wait till she hears about this!” 

Stacy throws her hands in the air and storms off, leaving the three of them behind in the living room. They can hear her footsteps heavy on the stairs as she takes two steps at a time on her way up. Sofia just shakes her head as she walks past the twins, opens the sliding door and disappears into the garden. Tegan has never seen Stacy this furious before, she usually is such a calm and level headed person. For a moment she is too shocked to react in any way, so she just sits on the couch, staring at the spot where Stacy turned the corner. 

Sara is the first one to snap back into reality. 

“Fuck.” 

Is the only thing she mutters as she reaches for the gin on the table, takes a deep sip and sits it back down. Without looking at her twin once she walks away, following Stacy upstairs. Tegan is still frozen in place as the voices of her sister and her wife emerge from the ceiling. 

“Look, I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened, we were just chilling on the couch, watching a movie… maybe we drank a bit too much, I don’t know… it just kinda escalated from there. It’s not like we were doing it on purpose! I’m sorry you had to see it, but please calm down okay? It means nothing and it won’t happen again. We are not… what did you say? Back at anything! It was just a small fight, barely anything happened…”

Tegan can’t bear to listen to another word. She gets up off the couch and quickly walks to the sliding door, still able to hear Stacy’s response as she storms into the garden. 

“You don’t have to be sorry that we saw, you should be sorry for hurting your sister! Did you see the scratch marks on her stomach? Look! Look in the fucking mirror Sara, she bit you! Does this look like nothing to you? How can you hurt each other like this…”

The voices draw out as Tegan slips into the studio and slams the door shut behind her. She almost forgot that she will have to face her own problem now when Sofia clears her throat.

“If you could not break that door, that would be real nice of you. We are guests in this house, keep that in mind.”

Her voice is quiet, but cold and drained of any emotion. Tegan has no idea how to react. Her partner is clearly upset, but about the wrong thing and there is no way of telling her that. Tegan has to play along with the lie, she simply has no other choice. 

“Hey… I… I don’t really know what to say. Frankly, I’ve never been in this situation before…” 

Sofia crosses her arms in front of her chest and raises her eyebrows.

“Well not exactly I mean… Lindsey never really seemed to mind when Sara and I were fighting or when she saw my bruises afterwards…come to think of it, I guess it kinda… turned her on?”

She chuckles, realizing too late that Sofia will not let her make light of the situation.

“Well that’s not the point right, this isn’t about Lindsey…”

Her head feels dizzy again and she is struggling to find the right words. As much as she sobered up when their girlfriends caught them, the alcohol kicks back in now with full force. She reaches out to steady herself on the wall next to her.

“You want me to apologize? I’m sorry okay. We didn’t mean for this to happen. We never do. It just sort of gets to the point where we can’t turn back…”

At least she didn’t lie. Not really. 

Sofia looks at her sternly for a moment, then she uncrosses her arms and takes a step towards Tegan.

“I don’t know what to say. You were sisters before we were girlfriends, so… I don’t really want to get involved. But I also don’t want to find bruises on you every time I undress you from now on, you hear me? Work it out. You two love each other, you shouldn’t hurt each other like that.”

She wraps her arms around Tegan and kisses her neck. 

“Maybe we love each other too much…”

Tegan can’t stop the words from escaping her lips, the alcohol in her veins loosening her tongue. 

“If that is true then you will find a way to put an end to this violence. Like you did before. Maybe this is just a hiccup, a little relapse. Now let’s get you to bed before you pass out on the floor, we can talk about it more in the morning.”

She puts Tegan’s arms around her shoulders and steadies her while they walk to the edge of the bed where she sits Tegan down on the mattress. Sofia raises her girlfriend’s arms above her head and takes her shirt off, throwing it on the floor. She unhooks her bra and gets down on her knees, her hands finding the button of Tegan’s jeans. 

“No!”

Tegan blurts out and grabs Sofia’s hand before she can undo her pants. She can’t stand the thought of her girlfriend touching her down there now or noticing her still wet panties when she takes them off.

“Uhm… I’m sorry I just need to use the bathroom before I can pass out.” 

“Want my help?” Sofia worries.

“No, no, really it’s okay. Just get ready for bed, I’ll be back in a minute.”

Tegan waves a hand at her girlfriend and rises from the mattress, stumbling into the narrow bathroom. She sits down on the toilet lid and buries her face in her hands.

What the fuck has she done. There is no coming back from this. No solution, no way out, no way back to a few hours ago when all her and Sara were were sisters. They crossed the point of no return and Tegan has no idea how to handle any of this. Nothing will be as it was before. 

And at that thought, Tegan jumps off the toilet, opens the lid and pukes her heart out.


	7. Shock To Your System

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait. Thanks to everyone who's still reading this, I appreciate you all.

For the first few seconds everything feels normal as Tegan wakes up the next morning. Then reality hits her like a sledgehammer, first straight on the head and right after that it strikes her in the abdomen. A dull pain spreads in her forehead and her stomach turns as she remembers the night before. She is laying on her side, facing her nightstand and the first thing she sees when she opens her eyes is a little note, propped up against a glass of water. 

Oh no. Tegan doesn’t really want to know what the note says, but she reaches out anyway. When she leans over the edge of the bed she notices a bucket next to the frame, at the level of her head. Fumbling with the note she unfolds it and begins to read. Of course it’s from Sofia.

 _“Good morning! I’m off to work. Bucket is next to the bed - just in case - and aspirin is right next to the water. Thought you might need it after last night ;) Take it slow today, you’re almost 40 after all… Love you and see you tonight.”_

Relieved Tegan sits the note back down and reaches for the aspirin. This small letter could have been so much worse! She washes two pills down with half the glass of water and throws herself back down on the pillows. With everything that went down Tegan had forgotten that the weekend was over and that her girlfriend had to go back to work today. At least that buys her some time to sort her head out and reflect on the previous night. But her mind is nothing but a merry-go-round of pictures flashing before her eyes. Sara’s grin as she attacks her, her own hand grabbing the back of Sara’s neck as her sister’s thigh rubs on her, the sound of Sara moaning right next to her ear, the feeling of her climax… and the shock on Stacy’s and Sofia’s faces. 

_“God we got so lucky that Stacy jumped to the wrong conclusion. I can’t even imagine what would have happened if she got it right…”_

Tegan buries her face in her hands and lets out a frustrated scoff as she runs her fingers through her hair. Fuck, fuck, fuck. 

_“What am I supposed to do now…”_

It‘s no use. Her brain can’t grasp a clear thought except one simple fact:

Sara didn’t pull back.

She didn’t try to free herself from Tegan’s embrace, didn’t jump off of her as soon as she realized what her sister was doing. Instead she reciprocated Tegan’s movements, making her twin come. 

Sara had obviously been turned on by it too. 

But does that make it better? Not really. Maybe if Sara would have jumped off, Tegan could have tried to talk herself out of it, making it seem like she was only trying to break free from the tickling. Trying to pull that off now is useless and Tegan knows that. Even if Sara would be in denial about the whole thing, nobody would be dumb enough to fall for that obvious of a lie. 

Does it even mean anything? Probably not. Just because her sister got caught up in the moment – while also being drunk – it doesn’t mean that she’s also in love with her the way Tegan is.

_“Wait, what? I’m not in love with Sara! I can’t be… I’m attracted to her, that’s all…”_

Tegan can’t tell how long she is already laying like this, her mind racing, but suddenly her stomach starts rumbling. 

_“Oh please, no… I can’t get up, I can’t go to the house right now. What If I see her? What do I do? Fuck…”_

She buries herself under the covers, trying to ignore the loud complaining of her body. But after a while the pain becomes too much to bear and her headache starts to worsen again. She needs to eat something.

Tegan swings her legs over the side of the bed and pulls herself into a seating position. But the sudden movement seems to be too much for her body to handle and her vision turns black briefly, stars dancing behind her eyelids. 

_“Ah shit… fuck me…”_

She grabs her forehead, steadying herself with the other hand on the bed frame, waiting for her vision to return to normal. When it finally does Tegan stands up and stumbles to the bathroom. As soon as she sees her reflection in the tiny mirror she startles. The circles under her eyes got even darker and her skin looks frighteningly pale. It also doesn’t help that her hair is and entangled mess. 

Tegan grabs the brush on the shelf and tries to straighten it out, but her efforts are only to some avail. She needs to take a shower, rinse the previous day of her skin. She’ll feel better after that. Food first though. Lazily, Tegan throws on the first pair of pants she can find and a sweater and steps out into the cold. 

It’s a grey day, clouds are keeping the sun from view and It seems like it’s going to start raining any second. She throws her arms around herself, grabbing her upper arms tightly, and hurries her step to get out of this unfriendly weather. When she steps over the ledge and shuts the sliding door behind her, she finds the living room empty- much to her relief. Tegan sighs and lets her shoulders fall, kicks of her sneakers and crosses the room to the kitchen. But when she turns the corner she realizes that she is not as alone as she had hoped to be.

“Good morning. Don’t look so startled, I do live here you know.” 

Stacy smiles lightly and fills the cup in her hand with warm water, the label of a tea bag hanging on its side.

“Yeah, sorry… good morning. Still getting used to all this…” 

Tegan mumbles and tries a nervous half smile. Right, Stacy is working from home at the moment… Sure, Tegan is relieved that it’s not Sara who awaits her, but after last night she is not sure how to approach her sister in law. And suddenly that phrase sounds so wrong in her head…

“You want some tea too? No offense but… you look awful Tegan!”

Tegan can’t help but laugh, which seems to break the ice as she can see a warmer smile spreading on Stacy’s face.

“Well thank you very much! No, you’re right. I scared myself a bit when I looked in the mirror. I guess I’ll better take some of that tea, try to get some life into my body. Thank you.”

Stacy opens the drawer next to her, pulls out another tea bag and grabs a red cup from the cupboard above her head. She lets the bag slide into the cup and pours hot water from the kettle over it. When the cup is almost full Stacy slides it cautiously over the counter into Tegan’s direction who grabs the handle and lifts it up to her face to breath in the warmth and the comforting smell. For a few seconds they stand in silence, leaning against the counter and breathing in their tea. Tegan smells apple and cinnamon amongst other various spices.

“Starting a bit early on the winter teas this year I see?” She winks at Stacy who practically buries her face in her cup.

“It just seemed like the right day for it. The weather is awful! I feel like burying myself under blankets near the fireplace, a hot cup of tea in my hand and a book on my lap…” 

Stacy closes her eyes and turns her face to the ceiling, clearly picturing the scene in her mind. Then she turns her gaze back down to her cup and sighs.

“Buuut I gotta get back to work in a few minutes. I just came down to get some tea. And cookies. But it seems we’re all out of cookies.” 

She mopes, hanging her head.

“I could go to the store and get some! You wanna write me a shopping list?” 

Tegan offers and takes the first sip of her hot beverage, burning her mouth in the process.

“No need. Sara is already on her way to the store. I had the feeling she needed to get outside anyway, so I send her grocery shopping.”

The conversation had to turn to Sara at some point. Tegan blushes and suddenly the cup in her hand seems to need all the attention she can muster.

Stacy chuckles.

“Listen, you don’t need to look like a beaten puppy, I’m not gonna yell at you again.”

Her voice takes a serious tone again. 

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have reacted that way. But seeing you two fight like this… it breaks my heart. It hurts me to see you hurt each other. I love you both and I’m not gonna sit here watching while you tear each other apart. I just can’t.”

She shakes her head and Tegan can see the honesty and loyalty in her eyes. Which of course only makes everything worse. Tegan swallows hard and searches for the right words in her tea.

“No, don’t be sorry. _I’m_ sorry. This shouldn’t have happened. I should’ve never let it gotten this far…”

She can’t think of anything else to say. She doesn’t want to lie to Stacy, but she can’t tell her the truth either. It would tear everything apart. Her whole family, her whole life. And not only hers. So many people are involved in this…

“Well, there are two parties involved here, so don’t try and shoulder all the responsibility yourself. Though I gotta say you are easier to talk to than your sister…”

Stacy rolls her eyes and takes a large sip from her cup.

“Why? What happened? Are you two… okay?” 

Tegan’s voice is trembling and her stomach turns again. Is there really a part of her that wants Sara and her partner to fight? 

“Yeah, of course. Don’t worry about us, we’ll be fine. This isn’t the first fight we’re having and it won’t be the last. I’m more concerned for you two… Sara didn’t want to talk this morning. She’s shutting down and I don’t… I want to give her the space she needs, but this is different. We will be living here together for the next few weeks and I need a peaceful home. I don’t mind the bickering and the occasional disagreements, but I just can’t handle physical violence.”

“Look Stacy, I know it was fucked up that you saw us… _fighting_ … like that yesterday. But that doesn’t mean that we’re gonna be throwing fists every night now.”

Tegan laughs but Stacy is not joining in. Instead she raises an eyebrow and looks at Tegan sternly.

“I’m just saying, maybe this isn’t as big an issue as it seems right now. We’ll just have to cool off and then we are all back to our old selves in no time.”

“That’s what I worry about, that you’ll get back to your old selves! Anyway. I understand if you don’t want to talk to me. And I certainly know that Sara will most likely not jump at the chance to have a conversation with you about it…”

Stacy takes a deep breath and looks Tegan straight in the eye.

“So I called Emy.”

Tegan feels her heart fall to her stomach and she sighs deeply, turning her head to avoid Stacy’s gaze.

“I anticipated that you wouldn’t be too happy about it. But Emy is not directly involved and she has more experience with… well… you two. I thought maybe at least one of you would be willing to talk to her. And even if you don’t, you can still work together on new merch or something so either way it won’t be a waste of time! She’ll come over tomorrow.”

“What did you tell her?”

Tegan’s face turns to stone and suddenly she feels very, very tired. She knows that she won’t be able to lie to Emy. She always had a soft spot for her, not to mention that she has become one of her closest friends. _Their_ closest friend. Exhaustion spreads in Tegan’s body and she sits her cup back down on the counter for fear of letting it slip from her grip. 

“I just told her what happened. Nothing more and nothing less. The rest is up to you.”

“Did you tell Sara already?”

Stacy shifts her weight onto her other leg and stares back down at her cup, embarrassed. 

“No. Like I said, she didn’t want to talk. For a moment I thought about not telling her at all and making it seem like a surprise visit… but that wouldn’t be fair and Sara would see right through it. I’ll tell her when she comes back.”

The hunger is gone and sickness has taken its place in Tegan’s stomach. She needs to get away from this.

“Is it okay if I use the shower? I really need to… clean myself up.”

“Yes of course! Ah shoot, I need to get back to work anyway.”

Stacy exclaims as she takes a look at her watch, stands up straight and walks past Tegan to the door. As she’s standing in the frame she stops and turns around.

“Tegan… if there is anything you need, you let me know okay?”

Stacy smiles and makes her way upstairs. 

Hot water is running down her body, but Tegan is still shivering. She can’t keep her body from trembling as she is rinsing the shampoo out of her hair. Staring into nothingness, her skin is already red, yet Tegan can’t tell how long she’s been under the hot stream. She tastes salt on her lips. Tears are streaming down her face now and suddenly she is sitting on the floor of the tub, knees pulled to her chest, her body rocking with sobs. 

_“What have I done… what have I done… I broke us…”_

When the tears finally stop coming, Tegan pulls herself up and turns the water off. She dries herself off and slips back into the clothes she put on when she got out of bed. She didn’t even think about bringing a fresh set of clothes, but that seems extremely unimportant right now either way. As she steps out of the bathroom something bumps into her, stuff starts flying into the air and falls on the floor.

“What the fuck Tegan! Can’t you watch where the fuck you are going?” 

Sara shoots Tegan an annoyed look before she crouches down to pick her things up off the floor. 

“Sorry, but how the fuck was I supposed to know that you would come running down the hall…”

She crouches down too to help her sister.

“I wasn’t _running_! And I got this, thanks!”

Sara snaps at Tegan and snatches a box of cookies from her grip before she gets back up again.

“Just stay out of my way! Leave me the fuck alone!”

Sara climbs the stairs without looking at her twin again and disappears out of sight. 

“Yeah… I’ll do that.”

Tegan mumbles to herself and goes straight for the door to the garden as she fights back tears again. She needs to get out of there. When she steps outside she realizes that it started raining. The cold drops fall heavy on her skin as she turns her face to the sky, burying her hands in the pockets of her jeans. She needs some physical distance from all of this. The house, her twin, Stacy… it’s all too much. The house is looming behind her like a dark presence, a shadow that is towering over her, watching, judging. So Tegan makes her way through the garden to the studio. 

As soon as she steps inside, she starts gathering her sportswear. A pair of long, black sweatpants, her sports bra, a dark blue jersey and her running shoes. It takes her a while to find her airpods, but soon enough she is ready to go. She takes a cap from a handle next to the door, puts it on her head and steps outside. It’s raining even heavier now, thick, dark drops fall from the sky at a heavier pace. But Tegan doesn’t care. 

She leaves the garden through the gate and stretches her limbs while walking down the road. After she puts on her favorite running playlist, she falls into a light trot. The steady touch of asphalt under her shoes relaxes her in an instant. But the music is off, too upbeat, too lighthearted. She needs something different right now as she is not trying to motivate herself to go as far as she can, but trying to cope with all the thoughts and the guilt that is heavy on her heart. Tegan falls back into a walk and scrolls through her spotify playlists until she finds what she was looking for. She clicks on the first song and puts it on repeat, turns the volume up and speeds up again. As her feet are hitting the ground, the first notes of “Protect me from what I want” from Placebo fill her ears.

_“It's the disease of the age  
It's the disease that we crave  
Alone at the end of the rave  
We catch the last bus home…_

_…Protect me from what I want  
Protect me from what I want  
Protect me from what I want  
Protect me, protect me…_

_…Maybe we're victims of fate  
Remember when we'd celebrate  
We'd drink and get high until late  
And now we're all alone _

_Wedding bells ain't gonna chime  
With both of us guilty of crime  
And both of us sentenced to time  
And now we're all alone_

_Protect me from what I want…”_

Tegan has no idea for how long she is already running or how often the song repeated itself by now as she falls into a sprint, screaming the lyrics in her mind. She runs until acid is flowing through her veins and her chest burns too much to take another breath. When her legs finally stop moving and she tries to catch her breath again, her body gives in. Tegan steps to the side of the road and gets down on one knee as her stomach violently tries to turn itself inside out. But there is nothing to heave up, since she didn’t ingest anything besides half a glass of water. So the only thing that leaves her mouth is her own stomach acid. When it’s over she takes out a tissue and cleans herself up. 

Suddenly the music stops. Tegan takes her phone out of her pocket, only to realize that the battery died. She stands back up and looks around, focusing on her surroundings for the first time since she left her sister’s property. Nothing looks recognizable to her, neither the houses or the woods behind them nor the road she is standing on. Fuck. She is lost. 

She decides to walk back into the direction she was coming from, hoping that she didn’t take a turn subconsciously. Her body is spent, so running is out of the question and soon enough the cold sets in. Tegan starts to shiver as the freezing rain keeps falling down on her mercilessly, her clothes already soaking wet. Unfortunately it seems that she didn’t just run straight and it takes her over two hours to find her way back to Sara’s house. By the time she arrives she is shaking uncontrollably and water is dripping from her hat and the hairs underneath it. Without thinking she rings the doorbell instead of going through the garden right to the studio.

“Oh my god! What the… Where have you been??”

Stacy pulls Tegan inside.

“Sara, bring me a towel!”

She yells over her shoulder as she rips the cap from Tegan’s head and pulls her close.

“Don’t… your shirt... getting… all wet...”

Tegan bursts out through her trembling jaw and clenched teeth, not able to form a straight sentence or releasing herself from Stacy’s embrace.

“Fuck my shirt!”

Stacy blurts out and looks up as Sara comes bolting down the stairs, towel in hand. 

"What's going o..."

When she sees Tegan she stops in her tracks, breathing in sharply. Their eyes only meet for a brief moment before Tegan looks down again, but what she saw in Sara’s eyes makes her shake even more.

Fear. There was fear in them. And something else, a deep understanding only her twin would be able to distinguish. 

She knows.


	8. Runaway

„My God, you are ice cold! Fuck Tegan, what were you doing?“

Stacy was rubbing Tegan's back and upper arms with her hands in a desperate attempt to warm her up.

„Was just going for a run... kinda ... got lost“

Tegan was still shaking as she tried to explain herself.

„You went for a run in this weather? What has gotten into you...Sara what are you standing around for? Hand me that towel!”

Sara was still staring at her twin wide eyed, but she snapped out of it as Stacy addressed her.

“Sorry...”

She reached out and Stacy took the towel from her, throwing it over Tegan's head to rub her hair dry.

“Run a bath, we need to get her warmed up.”

Sara turned to the bathroom immediately and Tegan could hear the water running. 

“No need...just... a bit cold and wet is all...I'm okay...”

Tegan was not really sure who she was trying to convince, herself or Stacy who was still rubbing the towel over her head fiercely.

“You'll catch a cold like this and you can barely stand up straight. Did you even eat anything before you took off? We were so worried... you left the door to the studio open and then your phone was turned off...”

They were walking towards the bathroom, Stacy still holding on to Tegan to steady her.

The bathtub was beginning to fill up and steam was emerging from the hot water inside of it, filling the room. Suddenly Tegan felt another arm wrapping gently around her waist and her head fell onto the shoulder that was attached to it.

“I'll take it from here, thanks Stace. Could you put the kettle on and make some tea?”

Sara's voice was calm and collected as she maneuvered her sister to the edge of the bath tub.

“Sure, I'll leave you to it.”

Stacy left the room and closed the door behind her. They could hear her footsteps as she hurried to the kitchen.

“Okay, sit down for a sec yeah? Raise your arms...”

Before Tegan realized what her sister was doing, Sara was already pulling her jersey over her head and let it fall to the floor.

“Woah wait, hold on... I can do that myself...”

But her body betrayed her. Her low blood pressure and empty stomach made her dizzy and she fell backwards, catching herself at the last moment on the rim of the tub.  
Sara jumped forward and brought a hand around Tegan's waist to her back, steadying her again.

“Yeah, I can see that! Forget it, I'm not letting you drown in my bathtub. It'd be way too much of a hassle to get your dead body out of there and bury you in the garden... even though you'd make a great fertilizer.”

She grinned and winked at Tegan, but the worry in her eyes was still clear as day.

“So, let's try that again. Raise your arms...”

Tegan did as she was told and Sara took her sports bra off, throwing it on top of the jersey on the floor. Despite the steam Tegan could clearly see Sara blush at the sight of her bare breasts.  
The tub was now filled with water and Sara leaned over her twin to turn the handle, placing one hand on the rim of the rub, next to Tegan’s body. Tegan could smell the faint note of cherry again as she breathed in the skin on her sister's neck and she wanted nothing more than to touch the body that was hovering over her.  
The water had already stopped running, but Sara was still holding her position. Tegan couldn't handle the temptation anymore and she rested her face on her sister's neck, pressing into her skin and letting out the slightest moan. Closing her eyes, she let her lips meet the warmth underneath them and placed a gentle kiss on Sara’s neck. Mustering the last of her strength she let go of the bathtub and reached up, placing her hands on her sister’s sides. With trembling fingers she lifted Sara’s shirt up slightly and slid her hands underneath it. 

Tegan didn’t care anymore. The desperate need to feel her twin’s skin under her own had become unbearable, a physical pain that was torturing her. If Sara rejected her now then she had at least tried to give her heart what it desired the most.

“Tee...”

Sara whispered next to her ear, but that only sent another wave of lustful pain down Tegan’s spine and she tightened her grip on her sister’s body, feeling ribs under soft, warm skin.

Sara took her hand from the tub and placed it on Tegan’s neck gently.

“Tee… Tee, look at me.”

She whispered in Tegan’s ear again and pulled back slightly, crouching down so that her face was now right in front of her sister’s.  
Tegan opened her eyes and she knew that they are full of fear and desperation. But Sara was smiling slightly at her and her voice was calm and reassuring.

“Not now. We need to get you warm, okay? Your fingers feel like ice cubes.”

They both chuckled and Sara looked straight into Tegan’s eyes once more, her hand still on her neck, her thumb caressing her twin’s cheek. The warmth that radiated from the brown eyes that were looking into her own would surely be enough to heat her whole body up, but Tegan nodded.

“Okay good. I’ll take of your pants now, is that okay?”

Tegan nodded again and lifted her lower body up as Sara reached down and slid the tip of her fingers under the waistband of Tegan’s sweatpants. She pulled them down, trying not to look at her sister’s crotch in the process.  
When Sara’s hands reached for her panties, Tegan grabbed them and stopped her twin from touching her. Sara lifted her head up and looked at her with raised eyebrows, questioning. 

“No, just… I’ll leave them on. They are wet anyway, doesn’t matter if they get even wetter, does it?”

Tegan tried to laugh it off, but she didn’t want Sara to see all of her. Not yet.

“Okay, sure. Now come on, get in. It’s not gonna get any warmer.”

Sara grabbed a hold of Tegan’s elbows and helped her to get up. When her left foot reached the water Tegan let out a surprised cry.

“Holy shit that’s hot! Fuck me… are you trying to burn me alive?”

“Well look at that! It’s already working if you can shout like that again.”

Sara rolled her eyes.

“And it’s actually not that hot, you are just a straight up Popsicle right now.”

Still cursing Tegan lowered her body into the water until she was sitting all the way down in the tub, hugging her knees.

“Come on now, get all the way in. It’s no use if only one half of your body is heating up.”

Sara leaned down and placed one hand on the back of Tegan’s head, while pushing her gently backwards with the other. When her head met the surface of the tub, Sara pulled her hand away only to let it linger on Tegan’s cheek for a moment before she let go. She sat down on the rim of the tub and watched her sister with worried eyes.

They both startled when a knock on the door ripped them from their thoughts. 

“Hey… here’s the tea and a little something to eat. You need to get something into your stomach, your body is all out of fuel.”

Stacy placed the tray on a cabinet next to the sink.

“Thanks mom!”

Tegan joked and Stacy laughed.

“If that’s what it takes to get you up and running again, I’ll gladly play the mom for today.”

She chuckled and looked at Sara.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, we’ll be fine. Don’t worry, I’ll make her eat.”

Sara winked at her partner and Stacy placed a quick kiss on her head before she left the room again. Putting the tray on her knees, Sara took the plate and held it out to her sister.

“Please don’t make me eat, I swear I’m not hungry! I feel sick actually…”

Tegan tried to plead with Sara, but she already knew that it was a lost cause. Shaking her head and raising her eyebrows Sara pushed the plate further into her direction and Tegan took it reluctantly. Two slices of whole wheat bread were placed on it, buttered slightly.

When she had finished one of the slices, Sara was satisfied for the moment and took the plate back, sitting the tray back down on the cabinet. Tegan really did feel better now as the cold slowly left her body and her stomach finally had something to digest. She leaned back against the tub and closed her eyes. A few seconds passed as they sat alongside each other. Just as Tegan started to doze off, Sara’s voice quietly broke the silence. 

“You ran away one time when we were kids. I don’t know if you remember, we must have been 7 or 8 years old. We had a fight about something stupid and you just ran out the front door. Didn’t even put a jacket on. The sun had already set and it was almost winter, freezing cold.”

Tegan could feel Sara’s hand on her face, stroking the hair away from her forehead and caressing her cheeks. 

“Mom was so worried. We searched for you for nearly two hours, running up and down the street, banging down the neighbors doors. When we came back to the house you were just sitting there on the front porch, shaking like a leaf. Mom was furious. She made you take a hot shower, you were screaming the whole time. She stuffed you into those thick pajamas and when she got you to bed I asked her if you could lay down in mine instead. I lay down beside you and hugged you to keep you warm. When I asked why you ran away you said: 

“Because I thought you don’t love me no more.” 

“You spent the whole night in my bed, sleeping next to me like a rock. I never once let go of you. I was so scared that you would leave me again…”

Tegan pulled one hand out of the water and took her sister’s hand into her own, placing a light kiss on the back of it. She opened her eyes and saw tears trickling down Sara’s face. 

“I would never leave you.”

She reached up and wiped the tears on her twin’s cheek away. They stayed like that for what felt like an eternity, brown eyes staring into each other, seeing the other one clearly for the first time. 

Until another voice ripped them out of the moment, slicing through the fog that was hiding them from the real world.

“What do you mean? Where is she?

They couldn’t hear Stacy’s response, but shortly after that the door burst open and Sofia hurried into the room. The twins let go of each other quickly and Sofia got down on her knees next to Tegan’s head.

“Baby, are you okay? What happened?”

Sara was getting up slowly, but Tegan grabbed her hand in a desperate attempt to make her stay. Sara looked at her with a sad smile and shook her head slightly. 

“I’m gonna help Stacy with dinner. Don’t stay in there too long or you’ll shrivel up!”

She winked at Tegan and left the bathroom, leaving the door open behind her. 

“What happened?”

Sofia asked again.

“I’m okay, calm down. I just went for a run and got lost. No big deal, I was just a bit cold.”

“Stacy said you were out in the rain for over three hours! What were you thinking?”

Tegan was starting to get annoyed with everyone treating her like a little puppy. 

“Look, I just felt like running okay? And then my battery died and I didn’t really watch where I was going. Like I said, it’s no big deal. I got cold and I also kind of forgot to eat before I went out. That’s all. I feel better already. Can everyone get off my back now, I’m not a fucking kid anymore!”

This was not fair to Sofia and Tegan knew it. But she couldn’t help it, the anger inside of her was moving her tongue and filling her up with hot frustration. Why did Sofia have to barge in on them, destroying the moment they shared? 

Tegan let her body slide down in the tub until her ears were underwater, blocking out Sofia’s voice. She closed her eyes and slid down even further, fully submerging herself. When she came back up and opened her eyes again Sofia was gone and she was alone. 

Fuck. That was totally unnecessary and uncalled for. 

Tegan leaned back against the tub again and closed her eyes. When it became harder and harder to fight the sleep away she pulled the plug and let the water drain until it was only covering her ankles. She lifted herself up, closed the shower curtain and turned on the shower head, rinsing her body off with hot water. A cold breeze entered the room as someone opened the door.

“Hey…I brought you a fresh set of clothes. Dinner is almost ready, you want to try and eat some?” 

“Yeah, I’ll be right out, thanks.”

Sara left without saying another word, letting the door fall shut behind her this time. 

They ate mostly in silence. At one point Stacy tried to lighten the mood with a story from work, but all she got was a polite laugh from Tegan while Sofia was shoveling her food in her mouth angrily and Sara was zoned out in thought. Tegan could only eat two spoons of the delicious veggie casserole that Stacy prepared and she started to poke around in her food.  
When everybody was done Sofia started cleaning the table but Stacy stopped her.

“It’s okay, we’ll take care of it. You two go ahead.”

She nodded into the vague direction of the studio and took the plates from Sofia. 

Sara opened her mouth to protest, but Stacy shot her a look and she closed it again, clenching her jaw. 

The studio was warm and comfortable and Tegan realized that Sara had already turned the heat on when she came down here to fetch clothes for her sister.  
Sofia didn’t even look at her as she took off her shoes and threw them into a corner next to the door. 

_“Oh boy… I fucked up hard this time!”_

“Hey…I’m sorry baby. I didn’t to mean to snap at you like that. Everything… everyone was just so overwhelming in that moment. I just needed to be alone for a few minutes.”

Sofia was ignoring her and to Tegan’s surprise and dismay she grabbed her suitcase off a shelf, threw it on the bed and started rummaging through cabinets and drawers, throwing clothes into its vast direction.

“What… hey would you at least look at me for a second? What the fuck are you doing?”

Tegan took a step towards her partner, only to stop in her tracks when Sofia finally looked up, her eyes as cold and hard as ice. 

“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m packing!”

Tegan was not sure if it was the element of surprise that was calming her or something else, but the feelings she would have anticipated to take ahold of her in this situation didn’t seem to come. Her girlfriend was obviously planning on leaving her right in this moment and there was nothing but numbness and maybe a hint of sadness inside of her.

“Don’t you think you are being a bit dramatic? I mean, I get it, I was wrong and I shouldn’t have treated you this way but… really? All this…”

Tegan gestured in the suitcase’s direction and pointed to the stuff that was now laying all across the bed.

“Just because I snapped at you? You are overreacting a bit don’t you think?

Sofia stopped rummaging and stood up straight, looking at Tegan as if she was the dumbest person she had ever met.

“What the fuck are you even talking about? You really think I’m leaving you right now? I’m packing for the business trip I’m going on tomorrow!”

Tegan could feel her cheeks flare up as she suddenly remembered.

“Oh shit… I forgot…”

Sofia looked at her in absolute bewilderment. 

“Really? Really Tegan? You forgot that I’m going on a business trip for the rest of the week? I told you about this weeks ago! We actually talked about it again just a few days ago! You can’t be serious right now…”

She got back to sorting out clothes again and they were flying on the bed at an even heavier pace as Sofia was practically firing them at her suitcase.

“Okay, okay! I’m sorry, I fucked up real bad these past few days… I don’t know what’s gotten into me…please just let us talk about this. I’ll do whatever you want, I’ll even pack your stuff for you and you know how much I hate packing! Come on, let’s not fight on our last night before you have to leave.”

Tegan took another step towards Sofia as she pleaded with her. Her girlfriend looked up at her and crossed her arms in front of her chest.

“Fine. Let’s talk. First, you are mad at me for going to the fucking beach, with your sister in law. Who we live with right now and who we see every fucking day! Why were you acting like I was going to a fucking party?”

“Wha… we didn’t even talk about that! I didn’t even say anything!”

“You didn’t have to! And I’m not done!”

Tegan raised her arms in front of her chest and held her palms out to Sofia in a defensive motion.

“You ignore me at the breakfast table, you drink, you fight with your sister until you beat each other up… and then you go for a run in the freezing rain, leaving the studio open, without eating first or loading up your phone? And you get fucking lost because you weren’t paying attention? And now you didn’t even remember that I’m going away?”

Tegan buried her hands in her pockets and turned her gaze to the floor.

“Yeah it does sound kinda bad when you say it like that…”

“Don’t you dare joke about this now! I don’t know if this is some kind of rebellious midlife crisis thing or a mental breakdown…”

Sofia uncrossed her arms and sighed in frustration.

“But I need you to talk to me! I’m not trying to control you or anything Tegan. I’m worried about you! You barely ate anything the last couple of days. Have you seen yourself? You look like you haven’t slept in days and I know for a fact that that’s not true, unless you were only pretending to be asleep whenever I got up in the morning.” 

Still studying the floor Tegan felt a finger under her chin and Sofia was standing right in front of her, lifting her face up.

“So what is going on?”

Sofia’s voice was much calmer now, loaded with empathy. It was a miracle to Tegan how quickly she was able to cool down. 

“I don’t know, I… I can’t tell you. I haven’t quite figured it out myself.”

Tegan looked back down again, breaking their eye contact.

 _“Liar…”_ A voice in her head was taunting her. 

Sofia wrapped her arms around her partner and pulled her close.

“That’s okay baby. Sometimes it’s hard to figure these things out… but I’m here for you. I can help you, but you got to let me in honey. Don’t shut me out…”

They stood like that for a minute, Sofia holding Tegan and stroking her back and neck until she pulled back and placed a gentle kiss on Tegan’s lips. They continued kissing, each meeting of their lips deeper and more passionate than the one before. Sofia’s lips were warm and inviting, her tongue parted Tegan’s lips and entered her mouth while her hands began to tighten their grip on Tegan’s body. Their lips parted and Sofia started to kiss Tegan’s neck, making her way up to her ear. 

“You want me to release the tension a bit? Relax you a little…”

The hot breath on her ear sent a chill down Tegan’s body that went all the way down to her groin. Part of her clearly wanted this, yearning for the comfort of physical touch, an outlet for the boiling feelings inside of her. But something inside of her was locking itself, fighting against the desire.

_“You don’t even want her to touch you. You only want one person to touch you like that right now… You want Sara. You want your sister!”_

But who knows when she could have that? If ever? She needed to blow off steam, to feel something besides desperation, fear and loneliness.  
So she nodded and let Sofia lead her to the bed. 

Sofia pushed her down gently and climbed on top of her. They engaged in a fierce kiss as Sofia slid her hand under Tegan’s shirt and began to massage her breasts. She took Tegan’s hands and pulled her into a seating position to take off her shirt completely. As soon as her partner was topless, Sofia pushed Tegan back down on the pillows again, harder this time. She took off her own shirt and unhooked her bra behind her back, letting it fall down. A few days ago this view would have driven Tegan absolutely wild but now all she could think about was the actual act of their intercourse and the release that would come with it. 

She pulled her partner back down on top of her, kissing her passionately in an effort to speed things up. Their tongues danced around each other and Tegan took her girlfriends hand and slid it down her body to her crotch. Sofia followed that order happily and grabbed Tegan, massaging her crotch over her jeans. As she felt herself getting wet, Tegan took Sofia’s left breast in her mouth and started sucking on her nipple while moving her hips in rhythm with Sofia’s hand.

“Fuck me!” 

She moaned into Sofia’s skin and fastened her movements.  
Her girlfriend started unbuttoning Tegan’s pants instantly and slid them down her legs, taking the panties right off with them. She threw the pair of jeans on the floor and came back to Tegan, climbing back on top of her. Her lips were searching for her partners, but as they found them, Tegan broke the kiss quickly, squirming under the taller woman impatiently. Sofia couldn’t hide a grin as she made her way down again, kissing and biting down on the body below her.  
When the rough tongue finally met her clit, Tegan closed her eyes only to see a now familiar picture in her mind.

Sara. 

But she didn’t want to fight it anymore. It was no use, her mind would always drift back to this image anyway.  
So she let herself fall into it, picturing her sister while Sofia was licking her pussy.  
What would have happened if Sara hadn’t stopped her in the bathroom?

Tegan imagined herself taking off Sara’s shirt, kissing her stomach gently while Sara was caressing the back of her head. Her sister’s hips were right in front of her and Tegan began to undo her belt and unbutton her pants, slow but determined. When Sara stepped out of her pants, Tegan’s fingertips slid under the edge of her panties, pulling them down slowly. She kissed her sister’s vulva, exploring the skin with her tongue before pulling the panties down completely. 

When she parted Sara’s lower lips with her tongue her twin inhaled sharply and let out a soft moan while stroking her hand through Tegan’s hair. Tegan let her tongue slide gently through Sara’s crack until she found her clit and began to massage it tenderly. Her sister’s moans grew deeper and Tegan felt the grip on the back of her head tighten as Sara moved her hips rhythmically, pushing slowly into Tegan’s mouth. When she moaned into Sara’s cunt the pushing of Sara’s hips fastened. 

_“Oh my god Tegan, this feels so good… don’t stop…”_

Tegan felt her own pussy getting more and more wet until it was practically drowning in her panties.  
When she felt Sara pushing harder back against her mouth, she applied more pressure with her tongue, causing Sara’s moans to increase in volume.

“ _Oh god, you’re going to make me cum Tegan… please don’t stop.. let me cum in your mouth…”_

Sara pushed Tegan’s head hard into herself and her crack against her tongue as she came, shouting her twin’s name. 

Tegan could feel herself come hard and her eyes shot open, staring at the ceiling of the studio. Her back arched and she was pushing Sofia’s head into herself as the waves of her orgasm rocked her body and her moans of pleasure filled the studio.  
When her partner’s body stopped twitching, Sofia placed a gentle kiss on her crotch before making her way back up. She lay down in Tegan’s arms, her head on Tegan’s chest and her arm around her. 

“I’d say that was pretty successful…”

Sofia smirked and kissed her girlfriend on the cheek.  
All the energy that was left inside of her seemed to have vanished and Tegan’s eyes fell shut as her body urged her to fall asleep.  
Sofia chuckled, placing a final kiss on Tegan’s lips.

“Don’t worry about me baby. Just go to sleep, looks like your body needs it right now. Sleep tight…”

She lay back down on her partner’s chest, but Tegan couldn’t muster the strength for a reply. 

The last thing she was able to make out before her body gave out on her was the ruffling of leaves and the faint sound of footsteps on the bark mulch outside.


	9. We need to talk

As the alarm blared the next morning, Tegan was violently ripped out of her much needed sleep.

Sofia grunted next to her and reached for her phone on the nightstand to turn it off. She turned back around and hugged Tegan, snuggling up to her partner.

“Shit what time is it?”

Tegan mumbled and placed a kiss on Sofia's forehead, right below her hairline.

“6 am. Sorry, I gotta catch an early flight and I don't know how long it will take to get through security and all with the restrictions.”

Tegan made a whimpering sound and pulled her blanket over her eyes, covering her partner next to her completely in the process.

Sofia laughed and fought her way out of the darkness.

“I'll try to be quiet, you stay in bed. I'll need some light though, still gotta finish packing.”

She placed a quick kiss on Tegan's cheek and pulled back the covers, letting the cold air in as she swung her legs over the edge of the bed and got up.

Debating with herself Tegan rolled up into a ball, soaking in the warmth and comfort of the bed while Sofia was brushing her teeth. But soon the reasonable voice in her head won and she fought her eyelids open as she stretched her limbs.

Sofia shot her a surprised look as Tegan yawned deeply and got up too.

“No really, you can stay in bed, you don’t have to get up.”

But Tegan was already throwing a hoodie over her naked body and putting on a pair of sweatpants.

“I said I’ll help you pack. The least thing I can do for you is keep my promise. So what do you need?”

Sofia rushed by and gave Tegan a quick peck on the lips.

“You are so cute. Can you help me look for my powerbank? I can’t find it…”

As Sofia returned to rummaging through cabinets and drawers, Tegan ran her hands over her face and started looking around. It took her a while to find it under a stash of papers on the desk so Sofia was completely dressed and had almost finished packing when Tegan returned to her, powerbank in hand.

“Yes, you’re a life saver! Thank you baby. Can you fetch my shampoo from the bathroom for me real quick? Ah shoot my cab is gonna be her any second… ”

Tegan ran to the bathroom, picked up the coconut scented shampoo and threw it in Sofia’s waiting hands as she returned to the studio.

“Got everything? Passport? Smartphone? Facemask?” Tegan asked.

Sofia put on her coat and patted down the pockets.

“Passport is in the bag, smartphone is in my jeans, facemask in the coat. Check.”

She smiled, made her way to Tegan and put her arms around her girlfriend, pulling her close.

“Now if you need anything, you call me. Even if you just need to talk, okay?”

Tegan nodded into her shoulder.

“I’m a bit worried about leaving you alone right now…”

Sofia took a step back and caressed her partner’s cheek, eyeing her skeptically.

“It’s okay, I’m not alone. I’m with Sara and Stacy… and Emy is coming over today actually. You go, I’m in good hands.”

Tegan tried to smile, but it was a weak effort and she knew it.

“Okay. I’ll text you after I landed. I’m gonna miss you.”

Sofia pulled Tegan close again, burying her face in her neck for a moment, before she pulled back and their lips met. A sharp ring disturbed their moment and Sofia answered the call.

“Hello? Yes, perfect, I’ll be right outside. Thank you.”

She hung up, pulled her “Bonjour, Hi” mask out of her pocket and put it over her face.

“Bye baby. Stay in touch!

”

Her handbag over her shoulder and pulling her suitcase behind her, she rushed out the door and through the garden that was still lying in the dark.

Tegan watched her leave through the gate before she returned to the studio and closed the door. She let herself fall back on the bed and slipped back under the covers. In a desperate attempt to fall back to sleep Tegan closed her eyes and tried to fight away the thoughts that were crawling through her mind again.

Sara. Her sister. Her twin. And the one she desires.

“God this is getting old!”

Tegan cursed and slammed a pillow onto her face, blocking herself out from the rest of the world that was only waiting to judge her. _Fine, let’s go over this again. Apparently this is becoming my new morning routine._

But this time it was not only guilt occupying her mind, wrenching her brain until it hurt. There was something else, something new. A slight sense of hope.

Sara’s face appeared before her eyes, smiling warmly and her voice echoed in her head.

_“Not now…”_

Not now doesn’t mean no.

Something else took priority in that moment, but what if it hadn’t? What if the opportunity had really been there for them?

 _“To do what exactly?”_ The voice in her head asked.

"Shut up!” 

Tegan yelled into the pillow, before she tossed it across the room where it hit a wall. Even if she couldn’t fall back to sleep she might as well enjoy the warmth of the bed a little longer. Tegan reached for her phone under her pillow and unlocked it. When she opened Instagram she saw that Sara posted a video of Holiday onto their story. Tegan smiled instantly and chuckled as she watched Sara stroking a sleepy eyed Holiday who was obviously just trying to go back to sleep. Then her gaze fell on the time stamp and she frowned. The video was posted three hours ago.

_“Shit that was at four in the morning. What the hell was Sara doing up at that time?”_

Tegan scrolled through various social media apps until she got bored and everything in her screamed for a cup of coffee. Even though she had slept a fair amount of time, Tegan still felt tired and weak.

_“Is there even such a thing as enough sleep? Does anybody ever feel rested? I certainly don’t…”_

With that thought Tegan finally got up and dressed herself.

When Tegan slid open the door to the living room, a surprising sight startled her. Sara was lying on the couch, curled up into a ball and seemingly fast asleep. Mickey was lying next to her head, meowing quietly as Tegan entered the room and slid the door shut behind her. For a few seconds she just stood there, looking at her sleeping twin, not sure what to do next. Mickey jumped off the couch and happily walked over to Tegan to say hello. Tegan crouched down and put a finger to her lips as she stroked the cat that was rubbing his head against her knee.

“Pssst don’t wake her up Mickey. She probably didn’t sleep too much last night, let her rest.”

She whispered.

Mickey just tilted his head to the side and put his paw up on her knee, scratching at it without claws.

“Oooh you didn’t get breakfast until now huh? Alright, let’s see what we got for you in the kitchen buddy. But remember… quietly!”

Tegan slid off her sneakers, sat them down on the floor slowly and crept to the kitchen, Mickey on her heels. Almost at the hallway she looked back and realized that her sister was sleeping in her clothes without a blanket or pillow. She turned back, picked a woolen blanket off of the armchair in the corner and quietly slipped it over her twin, covering her up. For a second it seemed as though Sara was waking up, but she only let out a quiet moan as she knitted her eyebrows briefly and then her breath returned to a slow pace. A warm smile crept on Tegan’s face as she leaned down and gave her sister a soft kiss on the head. She got back up and made her way to the kitchen again.

When Mickey saw where Tegan was headed, he started running between her legs to get ahead of her, almost causing her to trip and fall.

“Goddammit you…” 

Tegan cursed under her breath while catching herself on the door frame.

She searched the cabinet for canned cat food and took two cans out when she found them. She crouched down in front of Mickey.

“So… our specials today are: Beef in gravy or tuna pate. Which will it be sir?”

Mickey sniffed both of the cans and just looked at Tegan in bewilderment, meowing impatiently.

“Beef it is, good choice Sir.”

The second the can opener touched the lid of the can, Holiday came sprinting down the stairs and into the kitchen. She sat down beside her brother, a demanding meow leaving her mouth.

“Ssshhht damn you two! I’m going as fast as I can here, shut up!”

Tegan divided the canned food into two bowls and set them down on the kitchen floor. While the two cats started devouring their meals, Tegan stuck her head out into the hallway to see if Sara was still sleeping. To her relief the ball on the couch was not moving. Tegan already started setting up the coffee machine when she noticed that the noise it made would surely rip Sara out of her dreams.

“Fuck.” 

She exclaimed quietly, while weighing her options.

Footsteps on the stairs ripped her from her thoughts and Stacy entered the kitchen, still in her pajamas and rubbing her eyes. When she opened her eyes back up, they fell straight on Tegan and she jumped.

“Holy sh… what are you doing up so early?”

Stacy put a hand on her chest as if she was about to have a heart attack and stared at Tegan.

“Pssst! Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you. Sofia caught an early flight and I couldn’t go back to sleep. Wanted to get a cup of coffee but Sara is sleeping in the living room.”

Tegan whispered, pointing in the vast direction of the living room and shrugged.

Stacy tilted her head back until she was able see the couch. When she turned her head back to the kitchen she was making a face, embarrassed that she stormed into the room like that.

“Ah shit, sorry I didn’t see. I woke up sometime in the middle of the night when she got up, but I thought she just wanted to go to the bathroom so I fell back asleep… maybe she just came down here to drink some water and then she fell asleep? A bit weird though…”

Leaning against the counter, Tegan shook her head, pulled her phone out and held it up to show Stacy the story Sara posted on Instagram.

“Nah, she posted this at about 4 am. Seems like she couldn’t sleep.”

A deep sigh escaped Stacy‘s lips as she leaned on the counter next to Tegan and handed her back her phone.

“What is going on with her?” 

Stacy wondered, staring against the kitchen wall.

Tegan swallowed hard, trying to avoid having to answer that.

“We should let her sleep. Who knows when her body finally gave in. Buuuut that also means no coffee.”

She turned around and gestured at the coffee machine with a sigh.

“Ooof. I don’t know if that’s worth it. Not even my beloved wife can cheat me out of my morning dose of caffeine…”

Stacy pouted and crossed her arms in front of her chest.

They stood like that for a few seconds until Stacy’s finger shot up in the air.

“Aha! I know! You ever heard of this special coffee… aah what do they call it… dal something. I saw it on tiktok a few days back and I’ve been dying to try it… oh come on don’t judge me. Sara showed the app to me and I kind of got hooked on it. It’s not as childish as you think! Well okay, maybe a little.”

She chuckled.

“Anyways, you don’t need to boil the water for this and it looks really fancy… wait I think I saved it!”

Stacy took her phone from the counter and started swiping fast. When she opened the tiktok app it started blaring noise immediately and Stacy slammed the volume down button furiously.

“Fuuuuck I forgot, sorry!”

She whispered and they both stuck their head out of the kitchen to check on Sara. Thankfully she was still sleeping. Stacy returned to swiping until she found what she was looking for.

“Aha! There it is, dalgona coffee! See, that looks so good…okay you need equal parts instant coffee, sugar and water… whisk it up, some ice cubes and milk… yeah we can do this!”

The beverage did look mouthwatering.

“I don’t know Stace… I usually like more coffee than milk, the ratio here seems kinda off…”

“Nonsense! They actually use a fair amount of instant coffee in this, more than you would normally use. Pleeease come on Tegan, let’s try it! I need cooooffeeeee!”

Stacy pleaded, took Tegan by the shoulders and started shaking her back and forth slowly. Tegan couldn’t help but laugh quietly and she nodded in defeat.

“Okay, okay, fine. But you can’t use the mixer, it’s too loud! You have to whisk it by hand.”

Stacy’s eyes lit up and she reached over Tegan’s head to search the cabinet for a bowl.

“Will do! I’ll just put everything in the bowl here and then creep upstairs to whisk it. This way Sara surely won’t hear.”

No sooner said than done, Stacy measured the ingredients with a spoon, took a small whisker out of the drawer and quietly made her way upstairs, giggling under her breath in the process. Tegan chuckled at the sight of her sister- in law this excited and she started preparing the glasses. Getting the ice cubes out of the tray quietly was certainly a challenge and the first one fell to the floor as Tegan squeezed It out with one hand, trying to catch it with the other. Mickey ran over right away and tried to snatch it, but Tegan rushed down to pick it up before he could get to it. Somehow she miscalculated her distance to the counter though and her forehead slammed on it’s surface. The sharp pain hit her in an instant and she got down on one knee, one hand on her forehead and the other on her mouth as she tried to drown out her cursing.

“Fuck shit ouch fucking shit fuck…” 

Tegan muttered between her clenched teeth and rubbed her forehead. When she opened her eyes back up again she saw Mickey sitting right in front of her, licking the fallen ice cube. 

“Oh yeah I’m fine. You just go ahead and eat… Traitor!”

“Thought I heard something. What are you doing on the floor?”

Sara was standing in the door frame, hands in the pocket of her jeans and a tired but serious look on her face. Tegan blushed and shot to her feet which caused her vision to get blurry for a split second.

“Ooof sorry, I… I bumped my head on the counter when I tried to keep your stupid cat from getting a brain freeze.”

She laughed and picked up the ice cube, showing it to Sara before she threw it in the sink. Mickey let out an indignant cry and trotted away angrily.

“Well maybe you shouldn’t let edible things fall on the ground, stupid human?”

Sara tilted her head to the side, but she didn’t smile and Tegan couldn’t tell if her sister was joking or not.

“Haha, yeah you’re right.”

Tegan laughed and took a step toward her twin.

“How are you holding up? I saw the story you posted on Instagram… are you okay? Seems like you couldn’t sleep. Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you, I was actually trying to be really quiet.”

Just as Tegan reached out to rest a hand on Sara’s cheek, the sound of footsteps on the stairs emerged and Sara took a step back. Everything happened simultaneously and Tegan couldn’t tell if Sara pulled back because of her sister trying to touch her or because Stacy was coming down the stairs.

“I did it! Look Tegan!”

Stacy whispered and almost bumped into Sara as she rounded the corner.

“Oh shit… sorry Babe. We thought you were sleeping.”

“Well I was, until this idiot over here slammed her head into our kitchen. And I’m not a fucking piglet, don’t call me that."

Sara scoffed and took a few steps into the kitchen past Tegan. She took the glass - that Tegan just tried to fill with ice cubes - from the counter and filled it with water from the tab.

“Someone is grumpy this morning. What the fuck did I do now?”

Stacy rolled her eyes and crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"Nothing. I’m sorry, I don’t feel too good. Didn’t get a lot of sleep.”

Sitting the glass down on the table, Sara leaned forward in front of Tegan and kissed her partner on the cheek. Before Stacy could express the confusion that clearly showed on her face, Sara brought a hand around to her neck and pulled her close, kissing her passionately on the lips. Tegan’s stomach turned and she tried to take a step back, stumbling in the effort. Why the hell were the three of them standing so close together anyway?

Stacy broke apart from Sara and laughed in an effort to hide her embarrassment.

“Oookay, I forgive you. By the way, you want a coffee too? We are making dalgona coffees. You know, the ones from tiktok!”

Sara shook her head and took the glass of water of the counter again.

“No thank you. I’ll just take this water upstairs with me. I’m gonna try and get a few more hours of sleep in.”

“Alright, just us then, Tegan. Oh I hope we have enough milk left…”

Stacy opened the fridge and her head disappeared behind the opened door.

Sara leaned her head in so her lips were right next to Tegan’s ear and whispered:

“Don’t fucking touch me again!”

Tegan froze up instantly and all the color drained from her face as her insides turned to ice. Her sister didn’t even look back at her as she walked past her, out the door and up the stairs. Stacy’s head reappeared as she shut the fridge, a carton of milk in each hand.

“You want regular cow milk or almond milk?”

She held the cartons up and looked at Tegan expectantly.

But all that Tegan wanted now was to fall apart. She couldn’t keep up this charade anymore, this disguise, this mask that was covering her true emotions. She wanted to scream in desperation, to cry, to roll into a ball and pull her hair while she pleaded with the universe to stop this torture.

Sara never wanted her. She never loved her, not in the way Tegan thought. All of this had just been in her head and now her twin despised her for what she did. What in the hell made her even think that Sara would be okay with any of this? That she would even feel the same way?

“Earth to Tegan!”

Stacy shook the milk cartons and raised her eyebrows.

“I…I think I should go back to the studio. Forget the coffee… I’m sorry.”

Tegan rushed out of the kitchen to the living room as she heard Stacy behind her.

“But I already made the cream…”

Tegan didn’t answer as she quickly slipped on her shoes and stumbled into the garden. When the door of the studio slammed shut behind her, her knees buckled under her and she sank down to the floor.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She couldn’t tell how long she was already lying on the bed, staring into nothingness when a soft knock on the door broke the silence. She didn’t even remember getting up of the floor and to the bed. Tegan didn’t try to make an effort to get up to answer the door. She didn’t care. Whoever this was, it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered anymore right now, except for her own dread.

“Tegan? I’m gonna come in, okay?”

Emy’s voice was muffled behind the door and Tegan suddenly remembered that her friend had planned to come over. Startled, Tegan jumped off the bed and to her feet. Emy couldn’t see her like this, she would know that something was wrong and she would not let it go until Tegan told her what it was.

But when the door finally opened, Tegan immediately knew that her efforts had been in vain.

Emy stared at her in shock, the door handle still in hand. It shouldn’t come as a surprise, Tegan thought. She could only imagine what Emy was seeing right now. Her hair was a mess, filthy on the sides where her tears had run into it. Her face was pale and swollen and the bags under her eyes seemed to get darker every day. She started shaking.

“Oh my god Tegan, are you okay? What’s wrong?”

Just as Tegan’s knees started to give in again, Emy was by her side. She swung her arm around Tegan’s waist and let her head fall onto her shoulder, holding her up.

“Hey… it’s okay. It’s alright I’m here…”

Pulling Tegan down with her, Emy sat down on the edge of the bed. She placed her other hand on Tegan’s head and started rocking both of them back and forth as Tegan started to cry again.

This was the breaking point. She kept it in for so long, all the turmoil and the emotions that tore her apart inside. But now the wall around her crumbled and the stones started falling down in a landslide.

Tegan swiung an arm around Emy, bringing her hand to her neck, pulling herself into the warm body next to her, the only source of comfort she had right now.

And she cried. Streams of salty water ran down her face and soaked the fabric beneath her as she howled and dug her nails into skin. Emy pulled her even closer as Tegan started to shake uncontrollably and her voice was a calm, reassuring shelter in the storm.

“Ssshhh… it’s okay. Let it out. It’s okay, I got you.”

Emy repeated the same phrases over and over, continuing to hold and rock the trembling body beside her. At some point she managed to lay them both down, herself on her back and Tegan buried into her side, her head on Emy’s chest.

Minutes passed, then hours until the tears finally stopped coming and Tegan realized that she must had fallen asleep.

“Hey, there you are. I was starting to think I’d have to spend the night here. And I didn’t bring a pajama.”

Even though Tegan couldn’t see Emy’s face from this position, she knew that she was winking at her.

Embarrassed Tegan sat up and brushed her hand over her face.

“Shit I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to…”

She gestured into the direction of Emy’s chest, but Emy waved it off and propped her body up on her elbows.

“Don’t be sorry. You were exhausted. Sometimes you gotta cry yourself to sleep.”

Tegan nodded and quickly turned her face away so that she didn’t have to look at Emy. How the fuck was she going to get out of this. She could already feel herself panicking again when Emy sat up next to her and placed a hand on her back.

“Hey… Tegan. Come on, talk to me. What’s going on? I’ve never seen you this distraught… I want to help you.”

“Did you talk to Sara already?”

“No, she was asleep when I got here. And Stacy said she didn’t sleep well last night, so I didn’t want to disturb her.”

“What did Stacy tell you?”

Emy shrugged.

“Not much. She told me about the fight you and Sara had and that you… don’t seem well.”

Tegan rolled her eyes.

“She worries about you Tegan. She didn’t call me just to gossip. So… you want to tell me what’s going on with you?”

 _“No.”_ Tegan wanted to say, but the words were stuck in her throat. Her eyes started to fill up with tears again. She couldn’t lie, not to Emy.

“Please don't make me do this Em, don't make me lie to you. I can't tell you...”

Eym started moving her hand over Tegan's back, stroking her reassuringly.

“What do you mean? Of course you can tell me. How long do we know each other? You can tell me everything...”

“No!”

Tegan jumped off the bed to her feet, trying to get away from the woman that was taking care of her so lovingly when she shouldn't. Tears were streaming down her face again and her breathing fastened, her chest pumping up and down rapidly.

“No, I can't tell you! You wouldn't understand...”

Ruffling through her hair she started pacing around the room, not knowing where to direct the fear and agitation that was building up inside of her.

“You would hate me! You would fucking hate me and you would never speak to me again. You'd think I'm disgusting and vile and...”

“Calm down Tegan, I'm not here to judge you. Whatever it is you don’t want to tell me, it will be okay. I promise I won't hate you...”

Emy stood up and took a step towards Tegan, but Tegan held her arm out to her in and attempt to keep her away.

“You can't promise that! You just can't! I can’t lose you, I will... I will deal with this myself.”

Emy's eyes widened and she raised an eyebrow.

“Deal with this yourself? I'm sorry Tegan, but have you seen yourself? Take a look in the mirror! You look... I don't know how to put that lightly but you look sick! You look like you lost 10 pounds in the last couple of days and the bags under your eyes... you just cried yourself to sleep in my arms! Do you really think I'm just going to leave now like nothing happened and leave you to fend for yourself?”

She took another step towards Tegan and took her hand in her own, locking eyes with her.

“You are one of my best friends. I'm not leaving until I know that you are feeling better. And talking about it is the first step. Let me help you Tegan.” 

Those eyes. Those damn light brown, warm eyes that demanded you to trust and fall into them. Tegan had always known they'd be her downfall sometime in some way and it seemed that day had finally come. She fell into Emy's arms, burying her face in her shoulder once again, staining her sweatshirt with tears.

And Emy took her in. She rested her head on Tegan's and caressed her back.

“I'm in love with Sara!”

She just blurted it out, the words shot out of her mouth before she could swallow them down again. Her eyes shot open and she held her breath, waiting anxiously for Emy to pull back from her and push her away in disgust.

But nothing happened. Emy's hands didn't stop moving on her back and she didn't try to distance herself from Tegan.

“Our Sara?”

Tegan was the one to pull back now. Emy obviously didn't understand who she was talking about and when she would realize... Tegan took a few steps backwards and balled her hands into fists in frustration.

“Yes, our Sara! My SISTER, Sara! My fucking twin, Sara! Fuck!”

The anger that had built up inside of her finally rose to the top, emerging to the surface and she hit the wall next to her. When she looked back at Emy, Tegan couldn't tell what she was thinking. There was no shock on her face, no revulsion. Still, she felt the need to justify herself. 

“I didn't mean for this to happen! It just did and now I don't know what to do... At first I thought I was just attracted to her, but then it got worse and worse so quickly... SAY SOMETHING DAMMIT!”

Tegan gestured wildly towards Emy, shouting the last words. She needed to know what Emy is thinking, the anticipation was killing her inside.

Emy took a deep breath, puffing out her cheeks and then let out it out in a sigh as she ran her hand through her hair.

“Ooof... To be honest I can't say that comes as a big surprise. I was always wondering when one of you would realize...”

“What??” 

It was Tegan's turn to be shocked now.

“What...I don't know... what are you saying?”

She stared at Emy wide eyed.

“Well I... I don't really know how to explain Tegan. There was always something... more between the two of you than just being sisters. I mean... have you seen the way you two look at each other? For a while I even thought that you had something going on while me and Sara were together. I know you didn't, calm down!”

Tegan had started to shake her head rapidly, trying to deny what Emy accused her of.

“And I know you weren't aware of your feelings for her at the time. But I always figured, you know, one day you would maybe start to see each other differently. That you would come to terms with the feelings you have for each other.”

Tegan was dumbfounded. Had it really been in front of her the whole time? Had she been in love with Sara all this time? It took her some seconds to regain her composure.

“Well, it doesn't matter anyway. You were wrong. Apparently, I'm the only one who's in love and Sara fucking hates my guts now!”

Frustrated she threw herself on the bed and buried her face in her hands. Emy lay down beside her, supporting her head with her arm.

“Start from the beginning Tegan. Tell me everything.”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When Tegan had ended her recant of the last few days, it took Emy a few seconds to respond.

“Wow, that's a lot for this short amount of time…”

“Tell me about it.”

Tegan sighed.

“Honestly, it doesn't sound to me like Sara is not in love with you. Quite the opposite.”

Tegan raised her eyebrows and looked at her in disbelief. She could already feel her heart beating faster, ready to cling itself to any kind of hope, however slim it may be.

“The way she treated you when you came back from the run... the fact that she didn't pull back on the couch...”

Heat was rising to Tegan's face and she turned away to stare at the ceiling. This had been the hardest part to tell Emy.

“To me it sounds like she is in emotional turmoil. The whole situation is extremely complicated and difficult. Maybe she doesn't know what to do and jumps from one conclusion to the other. One moment she wants to be with you but in the next moment she tells herself that you can't be together and she tries to get away from you by any means.”

Tegan hadn't though about it that way. “I mean... this would explain a lot...”

“Okay I know this sounds weird... but you have to talk to her about it.”

Emy raised her eyebrow and put one hand on Tegan's.

The instant the words had reached her ears, Tegan shot up.

“Hell no! This is exactly what I shouldn't do! Maybe if we just let this cool off, ignore it for some time... maybe we can go back to how it was before?”

Emy's eyes were full of compassion as she locked eyes with her friend.

“No. I know you know that this isn't true. You've crossed the line. And no matter what you two decide or what she tells you... ignoring this won't make it go away. You can decide to try and handle it and not engage in it. You might even decide to explore it and be together. But you have to talk this out. Otherwise it will just get worse and you will both suffer.”

Tegan knew that she was right. Of course she was. Fucking Emy, who always gave good advice.

“What do you think we should do?”

Emy ruffled through her hair anxiously.

“I honestly don't know. I know that you two belong together, one way or the other. But the consequences will be harsh, no matter what you do. Don't look at me like that, you know I'm not good at sugarcoating. You both have partners and the fact that you are famous doesn't make it any easier...”

She hesitated when she saw Tegan's face going pale again.

“But I also think you could make it work. I've seen you two tackle so many hardships in your lives... together you are unstoppable. I support love. I always have. You are two consenting adults that got dealt a rough hand with this. If you decide to be together, I will always be there for you. You just have to understand... no matter what you decide, you will have to make huge sacrifices. I'm sorry that it has to be that way.”

Tegan put her arms around Emy and hugged her, trying to put all the love that she felt for her in that moment into the embrace.

Emy chuckled.

“I love you too, Tegan.”

“God why are you such a perfect human being? Isn't that exhausting?”

Tegan teased her and winked.

“Stop it. I'm starting to think you are falling for me too...”

The pillow that smashed in Emy’s face stopped her from finishing the sentence and she fell backwards laughing.

“You know I would crush you in a pillow fight, especially in the sorry state that you are in right now, so don't challenge me!”

Throwing her hands up, Tegan let the pillow fall back down on the bed. She smiled at Emy warmly.

“Gosh, I feel better already. Thank you, Emy. You truly are the best friend I could hope for.”

Before Emy could respond, Tegan's stomach started growling loudly.

They laughed.

“When was the last time you ate? Your stomach is giving a concert right now!”

“Well good, maybe it can do the singing from now on and I'll lay down and relax! No... to be honest... I don't even know when the last time was that I really ate something. I should probably get up to the house and get something to eat. You wanna join me?”

Emy got off the bed and stretched her arms over her head.

“Nah, you go ahead. I actually have a few work emails to send out... maybe I should go back to the hotel.”

She eyed the laptop skeptically that she had left next to the door when she came into the studio.

“Can't you do that from here? You send the emails and I'll go and fix us dinner. Please stay Emy, we can share the bed... I'll cover the fee for this night at the hotel, I swear!”

Emy smiled at her and chuckled.

“You know that I could never say no to those puppy eyes of yours... Fine,I'll stay. But don't worry about the fee. And while you are in the house, do me a favor and look for a spare toothbrush. I know that Sara keeps some fresh ones around, just in case. Probably in her bathroom.”

“Good thinking. Anything in particular you wanna eat?”

Picking up her laptop, Emy shook her head.

“Nope. I'll eat whatever you eat. Just don't make yourself too much trouble.”

Tegan nodded, slipped into her black sneakers and darted out of the door. When she looked back she could see Emy through the window, getting comfortable on the bed again, her laptop sitting in her lap. A warm smile crept back on Tegan's face as she hurried through the garden.

The warmth of the house was a welcoming feeling on Tegan's skin when she entered through the sliding door. It was really starting to get cold outside. While she took of her shoes she listened for any sound, anxious to meet one of her hosts. But everything was quiet and so Tegan made her way into the kitchen.

She rummaged through the cabinets, looking for anything that she could fix up quickly. Her eyes fell on a glass of green pesto and she quickly searched for some noodles and Parmesan cheese. Perfect.

_“The toothbrush! I'll better get that right now, before I forget it!”_

Eager to get to cooking, Tegan ran up the stairs, taking two at a time. She threw the door to the main bathroom open and started rummaging through drawers and cabinets when a voice startled her and made her jump.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

Sara was standing in the door, shooting Tegan an angered look.

“Fuck, you scared the living shit out of me! I thought you were still sleeping...”

Sara raised her eyebrows, looking at the cabinet that Tegan was just searching.

“Oh I'm looking for a spare toothbrush for Emy, she is staying over. She arrived when you were asleep. I was actually about to cook us some dinner, you wanna join us? I'm making noodles and pesto.”

Sara's eyes flared up with anger and Tegan stood up in shock, taking a step back.

“Yeah sure, why not. Maybe afterwards we could have a little threesome? What do you think?”

Tegan's head started spinning and she stared at her sister wide eyed.

“What? Is she not part of your little harem now? Or are you not willing to share your lovers?”

“What the fuck are you talking about Sara?”

Sara took a step in Tegan's direction, her face a cold grimace of disgust.

“You know damn well what I'm talking about! How long have you two been in the studio together? You think I didn't see you in the garden just now, smiling like an idiot? As soon as Sofia is gone, you get the first one that comes along to spend the night with you. In my own fucking house!”

Tegan's mind was a blank sleight, no thought presented itself so that she could put it into words.

Sara pointed a shaking finger on Tegan's chest and her voice was a hoarse whisper.

“Fuck you!”

She turned around and walked out of the bathroom.

When Tegan realized what was happening, her body sprang into action and she stormed after her sister.

“Sara...Sara wait! It's not what you think, please hear me out...”

But Sara was already at the door to her bedroom and threw the door shut behind her. Tegan anticipated that action however and she threw herself against the door before it could click into the lock, almost falling into Sara's bedroom in the process.

“Sara please... we need to talk about this. Let me explain...”

Sara spun around, shoving her sister back. “We need to talk about shit Tegan! Get the fuck out!”

“No! You need to listen to me!”

Tegan turned around, shut the door behind her and turned the key in the lock. Before Sara could react she shoved the key in the front pocket of her jeans.

“What the shit... are you nuts? You are living in my house right now, you think you have the right to lock me in? Give me that fucking key...”

Sara tried to reach into Tegan's pocket, but Tegan shoved her back into the middle of the room.

“You are not getting that key back until you listened to what I have to say! We need to talk about this! It's killing me... it's killing us!”

Before Sara could yell at her again, Tegan quickly continued.

“Emy and I were just talking! I desperately needed someone to talk to and she was there to listen, okay? And then I fucking cried myself to sleep! That's why we spent all this time in the studio together! You really think I would have sex with Emy?”

Sara scoffed.

“Oh please, you are obviously looking for opportunities to get laid left and right so...”

Tegan shook her head and stretched her arms out in bewilderment.

“What the fuck makes you think that? What have I done?”

“What have you done? Oh please! First you make me...”

Sara punched the cupboard next to her, not able to speak the words out loud.

“And then you go right back to Sofia and you fuck her? What, is that some type of midlife crisis that makes you go after every woman you see? Even your own fucking sister?”

Tears started to dwell up in Tegan's eyes as she realized what Sara was talking about.

“You heard us...” she whispered.

“Yes, I heard you. It was fucking hard not to when I was in the garden laying out that damn bait for those fucking slugs! I heard you and it fucking...”

She clenched her teeth.

“Wrecked me! How could you... I thought we...”

Tegan jumped in, taking a step towards Sara, desperately trying to calm her down.

“We are! You don't understand... I was longing for your touch so hard... I just wanted to feel something...”

“Oh please, next thing you're gonna tell me is that you were thinking about me the whole time while you fucked your girlfriend right?”

Tegan had indeed planned to say that, although in a different manner.

“You fucking bitch!”

Sara took a step forward and shoved Tegan back again.

“Do you have any idea what you have done to me? “

She shoved her sister again and Tegan stumbled backwards.

“You made me think that you finally realized... that you finally felt what I've been feeling for so long...”

Tears started rolling down Sara's cheek as she pushed Tegan again. Only this time there was no room left for Tegan to step back into and she crashed with her back against the door.

“How could you do this to me... give me any kind of hope...”

Before Tegan could think about it, she raised her arms, took her sister's face into her hands and kissed her forcefully. Sara tried to pull back but Tegan kept their lips locked together with every strength she could muster. When Sara was finally able to break free, she slapped her sister hard across the face.

“Fuck you...”

She whispered again, but Tegan interrupted her before she could continue her rant.

“I love you.”

She said in a stern, confident tone, looking straight into her twins eyes.

Sara's eyes widened before they flared up with anger again. She shook her head.

“No.”

She took a step back.

“No. You don't.”

Sara kept stepping back, away from Tegan.

“Yes, I do! Over the last few days, I... I fell in love with you Sara! I looked at you in the garden that night and... and it just clicked! Do you have any idea how hard the last days have been for me? Trying to figure this out, trying to hide it, trying to see if you felt that way about me too? I love you Sara! I always have, I was just too blind to see it!”

Sara's back finally met the wall behind her and tears kept streaming down her face as she looked at her sister in disbelief and desperation.

When Tegan leaned in this time, Sara didn't try to fight her. Instead a slight moan escaped her throat when their lips met. She reached out and pulled Tegan into herself violently after her hands had found her sister's hips. Tegan felt Sara's hands running up to her back as she tasted the sweet softness of her lips between her own. Their lips matched perfectly, as if they had been made for each other. Sara's hand was on her neck now, pulling her head harder into her. The other one was scratching down her back, tearing skin in the process. When Tegan ran her tongue over Sara's upper lip, Sara moaned deeply into her mouth and her hips started pushing against Tegan's. This was the signal Tegan had been waiting for.

She split Sara's thighs apart with her leg and placed her own thigh in between them. As Tegan's thigh met her twin's crotch, Sara let out a high moan, breaking their kiss. Her head tilted back in arousal and Tegan started kissing her sister's neck. Tegan started pushing against Sara, rubbing her thigh on the front of her jeans.

But Sara had different plans. She took her sisters hand in her own and unbuttoned her jeans with the other hand. She whispered into Tegan's ear.

“I need to feel you.”

Sara led Tegan's hand into her jeans and down her panties. When Tegan felt the wetness of her twin, a warm chill spread over her entire body and a moan escaped her lips.

“God, you are so fucking wet Sara...”

“Touch me Tegan... please...”

Despite the narrow space she had to maneuver in, Tegan found Sara's clit right away when she parted her lips. She placed her fingers on it gently and started moving them in a circling motion.

“Oh fuck yeah... right there Tegan. Keep going...”

She didn’t have to say that twice. Tegan placed her thigh back between Sara’s legs to get more pressure behind her slowly moving fingers. She bit down on the soft skin below her mouth and tore gently on the skin.

“Oh god this feels so perfect Tee…”

Tegan started to lick around the edge of Sara’s ear and she moaned into it in a deep, resonating voice. The feedback was instant as Sara pushed her hips hard back into Tegan and Tegan could feel goosebumps on her sister’s skin.

“Shit you’re going to make me cum so fast... this is too good…

Picking up the pace, Tegan’s fingers rubbed over Sara’s clit as their bodies fell into a rhythm of pushing against each other and pulling back again. Tegan could feel her own panties getting wet as Sara’s thigh rubbed over the front of her jeans repeatedly. When Sara started shaking, Tegan pulled back her head and placed her lips back on her twin’s in a passionate kiss. As Sara came hard against the fingers of her sister, she cried out and broke the kiss, tilting her head back against the wall again. Tegan watched Sara’s face as her twin rode out her orgasm against her hand, mouth open and eyes closed, every muscle inside her body tense. As the convulsions stopped and her muscles relaxed again Sara let her head fall onto Tegan’s shoulder, breathing fast to try and catch her breath. Tegan held her up against the wall with her body as she felt Sara’s legs getting weak.

“Fuck…”

Sara muttered into Tegan’s shoulder and Tegan chuckled.

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

Sara was still trying to catch her breath. 

“Oh you should. I don’t know when I last came this hard.”

Tegan continued to hold her, afraid of what would happen if she would let her go. They still hadn’t talked it all out and a small knot of fear was building inside her stomach again. Sara kept her head where it was and swung her arms around Tegan, pulling her close. Tegan smiled and leaned her head against Sara’s. They stayed like that for a while, taking each other in. 

Until something rattled the door handle and a voice emerged from behind the door.

“Uhm… hello? Can someone tell me why my bedroom door is locked?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait. I was not sure how to begin this chapter and then yesterday it suddenly clicked and I wrote it down in one day. Hope it doesn't come off as rushed, that was not my intention.
> 
> I decided to change the fic to past tense. I'm not a native english speaker and I realized that I was going back to writing in past tense all the time, so not having to switch that up constantly is a lot more helpful.  
> I'm going to edit the previous chapters, just not sure if I'll get all of them done today. So if you see any updates in the next few hours, that's just me editing.
> 
> As always, I hope you enjoyed reading and feel free to leave me any kind of feedback in the comments. Have a good day :)


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